I Find Girls Attractive, But Only If They Look Like Me


I like girls. Like a lot. Don’t get me wrong, I have proven time and time again how much I can appreciate a penis, but there is just something about girls. Not all girls, but skinny, blonde girls with big, blue eyes and long hair. Basically, I have evolved my already above average narcissism to being a full blown psycho that literally just wants to fuck myself.

In all honesty, I’m not 100% sure how this even happened. I know better than anyone that I am not a 10. In fact, I can go full Mean Girls and literally create a list of every single thing that is physically wrong with me. I could list my personality flaws as well, but I don’t have that much battery life on my laptop.

Yet when I see a girl who in anyway slightly resembles me, it’s game over. It makes no sense and my logic is nothing but flaws, and I can’t help it. If I were to apply the skills I learned in my Psych 100 class (I am basically a psychologist), I would guess I do it because I desperately wish someone would look at me and be like “hot damn.” But because that’s like, super embarrassing and pathetic, I’m just going to be blissfully ignorant and insist that girls who look like me really are worth that “hot damn.”

What about girls that are actually hot, you ask? Don’t worry, I’ve developed a great defense mechanism against girls who are better than me in every way. I have two categories for hot girls. The girls I like, who I describe as “real life” beautiful, and the girls better than me, who I classify as “too pretty.” I will argue to the death that the too pretty girls are somehow flawed by their good looks.

For example, the guy I am head over converse for has a girl friend who kind of looks like me, if I were to work out, get implants (boobs and ass), and just have an overall upgraded face. To the world, she is undeniably a babe. Like, intimidatingly hot. Like, Instagram model wearing sweats and looks better than you after spending four hours getting ready hot. Of course, I fucking hate her.

Deep down, I know she really is all of these things, but if you ask me, she’s “meh.” There is literally not a single fucking flaw on this bitch, but I will swear her boobs are too big. It’s distracting. Are they even pointing in the right direction? Pffft, I wouldn’t even want to find out. In fact, I prefer smaller boobs. She just needs to tone it the fuck down. And her hair?! Too long, it’s gross. Get a haircut, hippy.

This extends past girls I hate. Sure, it’s easy to rip apart the girl fucking the guy you pretend is your boyfriend. It’s even considered normal to lie to yourself to make yourself feel better about girls that you are in competition with. But is it possible to do this kind of thing with girls I’m not in competition with? Girls I don’t even know? You bet your ass I can. I delude myself into believing that the soft seven I’m trying to take home is better than a Kardashian. That I am better than a Kardashian. Like, it would honestly suck to be that pretty. I barely have enough time for myself as it is, it would horrible to have so many date offers flying in. I would feel suffocated by my admirers… or something like that.

At the end of the day I’m happy with the girls I choose, and the girl I am. You know, with the butt that is not *quite* as shapely as it could be, and the roots that aren’t perfectly touched up every six weeks. Besides, those girls are the girls that are willing to settle for me, so they’re perfect in my book.

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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