Recently, I was at a mixer and chatting up this guy. He was cute and nice, so when he asked me if I wanted to go to his room and smoke, I said yes, because free drugs. We get to his room, he lights the bowl and we took turns puff, puff, passing it around. We were just talking, hanging, flirting a little, and then he made a move. We started making out, our clothes came off, and we fooled around.
It got to the point where he went to try to have sex with me, but I wasn’t really feeling it. I said no, but he kept asking. I continued to say no, although maybe not as forcefully as I should have and he continued to push. Maybe I was too high, maybe I was too drunk, maybe I just didn’t want to make it an issue, but eventually I said yes. I consented, albeit somewhat reluctantly. We had underwhelming sex and I quickly left his room, and then the party.
When recapping the previous night’s events the next morning with my friends, I repeated the same story. My friend took my hand, looked me in eye, and said “Sweetheart, you do realize you were raped? Are you okay? Can I do anything?” Raped? This was news to me. Yeah, I had an uncomfortable sexual experience, but I still gave the go ahead, even if I was internally conflicted. I tried to explain this to my friend, but she kept insisting I was raped. In her mind, I said no and I didn’t wanted to have sex initially. I also had weird feelings about it after it had happened. She was convinced I was raped, but what about what I thought? What I felt?
I don’t consider myself a rape victim and I don’t think I was assaulted that night. Because I can see into the future, I know that there are some people out there who are going to be like my friend and insist that I was raped, that I have just haven’t come to terms with it. Then there will be people that argue that I put myself in an awkward position but I still had the power to say no. I’m not sure which side is right, and it honestly doesn’t matter. One of the significant drawbacks to our hypersensitivity with rape and consent is that now other people feel that they have the right or the power to define your experience for you. Like my friend. Her heart was in the right place and she had the best intentions, but if I don’t define myself as a rape victim, who is she to try to slap that label on me?
In the media, we’ve talked so much about what is rape and acquaintance rape that everyone is now on the lookout for rapists and instances of rape. It’s great that we are opening up a dialogue on such a significant issue, but one of the big problems with increased awareness is more and more people feel like they have the power, right, and knowledge to define a rape. But isn’t forcing a rape label on someone just as harmful as denying a rape claim?
An article that was posted on this website a few days ago about a woman’s rape story was met with a lot of backlash. Some of you argued that what happened to her was not rape, while some of you argued that it’s not anyone else’s right to invalidate someone’s rape. I completely agree with that. But why is the reverse not true? Why do people, like my friend, think it’s okay to define me, and others, as rape victims if that’s not how we define ourselves?
The issue of rape and consent is a big one. Bringing this significant issue to the forefront is great because now we are starting an open dialogue. My hope is that with the increased discussion of rape and sexual assault, coupled with increased education at fundamental learning ages, we as a society can try and curb this epidemic. However, with this increased education, it should not make people feel like they have the knowledge base or ability to define someone else’s experience for them. Each and every one of our sexual experiences is ours and ours alone. It is for us to decide how we define the experience and not be pressured one way or the other..
Nice Move381
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ChampagneShowers
Champagne Showers is a contributing writer for TSM. She is your typical Northern Diva. If curse words, sexual content, and drug use offend you, then bless your heart. CS will continue living the life you're too scared to live. email her at: champagne_showers@outlook.com
@ChampShowersTSM
