My best friend Anne and I met sophomore year of high school. We went through our (respective to the time) slutty phase together, and then we both got boyfriends. My ex-boyfriend, Joe (not his real name), is possibly the most disgusting human being on the planet. I am not trying to say that I am a ten by any means, but this kid is a four on a good day. So how did I end up dating him for a year and half? Well, because I wasn’t intimidated by him. Unlike the regulation hotties I was with before him. The only person I consider to be worse than Joe is my best friend’s ex, Devin.
Devin and Joe, some could argue, were the same person. Devin pulled the same bullshit on my best friend, and anyone who has ever made her cry is permanently on my shit list. And as embarrassingly below my league as Joe was, Devin looked like he would have had to drug Anne on a daily basis for her to be into it. I don’t consider myself to anything spectacular, but I am pretty. Anne, however, makes me look like dog shit. She has the definition of an hour glass figure, and a face to match. But the best part is that she’s not all looks, she’s the ultimate badass with a black belt and is casually studying molecular biology.
We had decided enough was enough, and dumped those assholes beginning of second semester of senior year. That was the best decision we had ever made. Sure we were heartbroken, but we had each other. When we were sad, we cuddled and talked about how small their dicks are. Hell, we even took each other to Prom, and she was the best date I could have hoped for. Of course, the first break up for anyone is hard. By the time we were both fully over it, we only had the summer to fulfill our Summer Singles Bucket List. We went to pride and made out with girls, we hooked up with the last boys in our high school that we wanted to, we skinny dipped in the ocean, we took drugs on the beach, we went to music festivals. We had the time of our lives. And then, we had a brilliant idea: we should have a threesome.
She and I had never had sex, but we had hooked up. I mean, when you’re partying with your dime best friend a girl on girl make out session was bound to happen, right? We discussed at length who we should grace with the gift of our vaginas. We joked about it in front of our guy friends, all of which started begging to be included. But we decided on my neighbor, Allen. Allen is a year older than us, in a top tier fraternity, and he was absolutely beautiful.
Taking one for the team, I scouted him. While hanging out with him, I asked how he felt about Anne. After getting the typical “she’s so hot” response, I asked if he would want to fuck her. His eyes grew wide and he immediately asked if she was interested. I giggled and nodded, then I shyly asked if he was interested… in me. Once again his eyes grew large, then so did his dick. Next thing I knew we were on my bed, and getting down. I pulled off his boxers and literally jumped back at the size of his dick.
“I thought you were white?!” I exclaimed, not able to take my eyes off of it.
“Ha ha, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” He said, obviously self-conscious.
Now this had become a personal challenge. I have sucked a fair amount of dick in my life, and I will brag about my lack of a gag reflex until I die. But it was time to put my throat to the test, by essentially shoving a fucking wine bottle down it. I am proud to say that I did, and after realizing that I almost died by dick, I sent him home so that I could tell Anne.
“So I gave him head. Holy shit. He’s packing heat.”
“Haha, seriously?”
“I don’t know if I could physically take it, but I’m still down if you are.”
“How big exactly..?”
“Big. I don’t know if you’ll actually be able to get pregnant after. Straight destruction.”
“Can we just call him ‘Dickzilla’ now?”
Needless to say, yes she was down. I went to deliver the good news and his face was priceless. Nothing but pure excitement, but then it turned to worry. I asked him what was wrong and he answered, “Two girls. That’s four boobs…and I don’t have that many hands.” His insecurity should have been enough for me to call it off. But I tried to be optimistic.
Over the remaining month or so of summer, we hit him up a few times, and each time he had a new excuse. Obviously, we never had that threesome. But in a way, I am kind of glad we were rejected. A threesome, like any other sex act, should be totally comfortable. He, for whatever reason, didn’t think he could handle us. And I much rather he runs away from the idea than completely disappoint us in the moment. One day we will have that threesome, but not with Dickzilla.
Oh well. Happy humping..
Image via Shutterstock
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Blue-eyed-blondie
Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at blue.eyed.blondie.tsm@gmail.com EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.
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