I Think I’m Going To Take Up Cigarettes Just So I Get A Few Minutes Away From The Office Jerk

I Think I'm Going To Take Up Cigarettes Just So I Get A Few Minutes Away From The Office Jerk

I hate the office douchebag. He is irrelevant, he is rude, and he has an ego to rival Chuck Bass. I praise God that I am still a student because spending a full 40-hour work week around him would make me actually accept homelessness as a plausible lifestyle. What was once a fun and exciting “big girl job” soon turned into my worst nightmare. You know how they say that as people get older, they fucking mature too? Like, they aren’t supposed to be some over grown baby in his late 20s that still acts like he’s twelve. Well, not this guy.

First of all, this guy thinks he’s fuckboy. In that he deliberately tries to act like a fuckboy so that he can tell everyone he is a fuckboy. This includes, but is not limited to, “subtly” hitting on the women in the office, bragging about how many hoes he has, talking loudly and ~sexually~ to his girlfriend on the phone in the office, and bragging about he got so wasted this past weekend. No bro, you would not believe it. He had, like, seven beers. In a row. It was in. sane. bro.

It’s bad enough to hear these stories constantly flowing out of the mouths of your fellow students, but at least they have good stories. If we’re being honest, unless your story ends in you going to jail or getting hit with a firework, I’m lowkey probably not that interested. But the same story about how you got fucking turnt off of a few drinks and had hella girls on your dick week after week after week, I literally can’t.

For these reasons and many others, I have decided to take up smoking cigarettes. Lung cancer might seem like a slightly dramatic way to get a few minutes away from away from him, but I high key think it’s worth it. He says some dumb shit and I get to go outside and roll my eyes in peace. It sounds amazing. Except for the whole cigarette thing, because those are nasty as all hell, but maybe I could just fake it? Or petition that instead of a nicotine addiction, I’m just highly addicted to noping out of that situation.

Look, I feel like I’ve gone above and beyond trying to be tolerant. I know I’m an insufferable bitch too, so I wouldn’t be surprised if I also drove people into the cold, stinky embrace of bad habits. I mean, according to my ex, I am the reason behind his alcoholism (all in a day’s work, ladies). But it really is like he’s just trying to piss me off at this point. I mean really.

Being the youngest in the office, I take a lot of flack. Because the youngest in the office by at least five years, I get a lot of unwarranted advice as well. I’m sure it must be aggravating to share a job title with a 20-year-old who still doesn’t have a college degree, but he really puts in every effort to patronize me. It’s not uncommon for him to have a little complaint about how he needed to answer the phone, and I should have been more on top of it. The only problem with that is that’s not my job. Or his, really. Neither of us are the receptionist. I just enjoy answering the phone because I enjoy talking to people, not because it’s in my job description.

Oh, and homeboy’s words of wisdom about my future? That I should really keep up my hobby. Because when I have a postgrad real job (again, we work in the same office. I literally have his postgrad “real job” so…) it’s going to be good for me to keep doing things that make me happy. I mean, it’s not like I could ever make a career out of it “you’re basically like a tumblr blogger, right?” he once asked me. Because it’s also not like my hobby is also a second job. You know, that pays real life money to help with my real life bills. Oh, but don’t worry, his DJing career is really going to take off soon.

So here I am, raising a cigarette to you, you asshole. Thank you for the inspiration needed to support my hobby, which in turn will help fund my new habit.

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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