I Think Penises Are Ugly AF


I can say, without a doubt, that I am the horniest person I know. I could have sex literally three times a day, every day and be happy. Sex isn’t a chore to me. Beyond that, a beautiful body could distract me from almost anything. I could literally be starving and finally get my hands on an atrocious amount of mac and cheese, but the moment I see abs and a V, I will choose sex over starvation. Every time. However, nothing is a bigger turn-off than when the guy gets naked. It is a struggle I have been suffering from for the entirety of my sexual life.

I have said to anyone who will listen that I wish boys could have sex with their pants on. I have gotten the looks of confusion as I check out a guy’s ass when he’s covered in boxer briefs, but then turned away in disgust when he strips. I think a toned frat boy in some short shorts is one of the hottest looks out there, but refuse to look at their bare thighs otherwise. But it gets so, so much worse. While thighs and hairy man butts are enough to induce vom, let’s talk about the main shebang.

First, the balls. Balls can go one of two ways: they’re either completely hairless or they have a full beard. And frankly, I can’t stand either. They’re also just…not normal. Even the most “perfect balls” are weird as fuck. They’re wrinkly, much darker than they should be, and hang wrong. Why is one so low? Why does it look like this 20-year-old male has a 90-year-old ball sack? Why does he think it is okay to aggressively hump my face and have them swing full throttle into my chin?

Then you have to deal with the pubic hair. Everyone seems to have very strong opinions on the correct way to manscape. I am no exception. I don’t know when exactly guys started thinking they should mimic female pornstars, but as of late I have encountered way too many bald nethers. If you’re a girl who likes to have her male look prepubescent then I guess you should start celebrating. But for me, I would rather have full bush than nothing at all. Not only does this assure me that while my guy has the maturity level of a manchild, I will not actually go to jail for doing him. Plus, if he has hair, there is less penis to look at. A nice trim is appreciated, but I don’t want to see any more skin than I have to.

As far as the penis goes, here is something that may surprise you: uncircumcised is better. If you just threw up in your mouth a little bit, don’t worry, you’re not alone. I used to be appalled by the little extra hood. But then I learned to appreciate its powers. You know what you don’t need when touching an uncut dick? Lube. Guys know the best lube is spit, which means unless you’re some kind of monster who will just hock a loogie on some poor kid, you’re going to have to give a blow job. Now don’t get me wrong, I actually thoroughly enjoy giving head, it makes me feel like a goddess in bed. But sometimes it just is not in the cards. When in that situation, nothing is better than being able to stick your hand down his pants and get the job done with no effort.

It’s a hard life I live, but I have come to terms with it. During foreplay, I practically turn into Helen Keller. When he asks me to touch him, sorry, I couldn’t fucking hear him. When he takes off his pants, I suddenly become blind as a bat. Literally all I do is moan/scream unintelligibly over his requests with my eyes squeezed shut. You can’t choose your sexual preferences, but you can be a total bitch about them…and then complain about being single. Ah, well. Less dick to look at for me.

Image via Shutterstock

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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