There are many, many articles I could start with the phrase “fuck you, Dan Regester,” but this one I feel is the most relevant. For those who don’t know, Dan is the Grandex employee and TFM staff writer who holds the key to every girl’s need for validation. He’s the man who gives the ultimate “hot or not” on TFM’s Babe of the Day. And as you may have guessed, I have never, not once, been selected as this title-holder. So, from the bottom of my heart, fuck you, Dan Regester. Does our work-forced friendship mean nothing you? I’m sick and tired of living my life not as Babe of the Day. But I’m even more sick of not being handed the undeserved title when I have someone on the inside.
I think I’ve made a pretty good case for myself. But still no dice. How many more emails, voicemails, Instagram DMs is a girl to leave before she cracks a guy? I’m not saying that Dan called me the ugliest piece of shit that has ever roamed the planet, but he practically did when he didn’t answer my 16th consecutive text concerning the matter.
I’m not going to rant about how BOTD is sexist, because calling for a shutdown would hurt my chances even more. What I am going to point out, however, is that BOTD discriminates against people like me. You know, the uggos of the world.
That’s right. When was the last time you saw a BOTD that wasn’t hot? One with small tits or with thighs like a busted can of biscuit dough? I’ll help you out: she doesn’t exist. Who decided that the girls featured had to be 10s? Because I want to kick him in the balls.
With a girl like me gracing your boyfriend’s feed, you don’t even have to worry! He’d be like “oh babe, you’re so much prettier than her” and you wouldn’t roll your eyes and then go home and cry. That’s because it’s true. I’m the hero all you need.
I am what I like to call “cute, but approachable.” My looks aren’t horrendous but they aren’t anything to marvel about. It’s the sweet spot. Like, you could find a million me’s by just stepping outside. Delightfully average. But that might as well be a negative four by Dan’s standards. Dick.
I also blame everyone who has ever told me my future is bright. “It’s all about who you know!” they said, “take advantage of networking opportunities!” That is, after all, how you turn a guy who is questionably informed enough to even vote, into president. But then again, I am sitting face to face (via computer screen) with the one man that holds the key to my happiness. But oh, look at that, there’s another girl from Arizona State that is a better fit for the “profile.”
Which is why, on this day, I have decided to start my own service: Normie Of The Day. This is where I just post selfies at semi-flattering angles and force people to give me validation. If you want to be featured on this historic event DM me and we’ll figure out a fair fee for my hard work. Oh, and no hot girls allowed. You have enough going for you, this is ours..