Irrational Criteria You Look For In A Potential Little


Its little hunting season once again, and you are out to look for someone who will not only be your best friend for life (I mean, they’re basically obligated to be), but your sidekick, the Gretchen Weiners to your Regina George. You want a little who isn’t going to be standard’s nightmare, but you also want her to make enough bad decisions that you can tell her off for, to secure your space as the older, wiser one in your relationship. These are the six, slightly unreasonable, definitely contradictory, criteria that you look for when making the ever – so – important decision of choosing a little.

1. She must want to party, but not be too into it.
Essentially, you want a girl who can drink like a frat boy, but not end up passed out on their front yard. You remember how you were as a new member, and count your blessing that your big was patient enough to put your wasted ass to bed far too many times. Unfortunately, with your alcoholic lifestyle, you can’t see yourself being able to take care of another drunk human being when you’re still learning how to take care of yourself. Your little needs to be willing to dress up in cute matching outfits with you, and always be available when you want to play beer pong… but have her shit together enough to know when she’s had too much frat punch.

2. She needs to be good at crafting, but not enough to show you up.
Even though your time of being spoiled by your big has passed, your room could use more decorations, just to remind everyone that you are, in fact, in a sorority (because the current twenty decorations might not give it away). You want a little who loves you enough to make crafts that look like they came straight out of Pinterest, while fitting in perfectly with your current room theme (which, chances are, they haven’t even seen yet). However, you need your crafts to be just slightly better than hers, since you know how embarrassing it will be to be shown up by someone making their first paddle when you’ve already made four.

3. Her GPA needs to be high, but she must still need advice from you.
Look, you don’t want a little who’s struggling in school. You can imagine the stress that it would cause you when she tells you that she doesn’t understand anything on her final, or hasn’t started her essay that’s due tomorrow morning (bonus points if she tells you this at a frat party the night before). As smart and wonderful as she is, you still want to pass all of the knowledge you’ve obtained on the easiest classes, best profs and exam tips. Chances are, it’s not every day that you have someone asking your opinion on their course load, and, now that you’re a mother, you know that you’ll have a strong opinion on whatever she chooses. Plus, when you’re pulling all nighters at the library, it’s much better to have your little suffering with you, than watching her snapchats at the party you weren’t able to attend.

4. She needs to have exciting boy stories to tell you about, but not too many.
As fun as it is to pass all of your scholarly knowledge down to your little, it’s much more exciting to share your expertise on boys. You want a little who is willing to divulge every detail of her recent hookup, send you screenshots asking for help when she’s texting a boy, and ask for your approval before dating anyone. While you may start to feel old listening to her wild, first years stories, at least you’ll be able to live vicariously through her. However, she needs to know when enough is enough, as the last thing that you want is your little hooking up with another sister’s ex boyfriend, since you’ll inevitably be dragged into the war that will occur, where you’ll be obligated to take her side, no matter how wrong she was.

5. She needs to embrace the sorority stereotype. End of story.
You’ve met some girls who don’t fully embrace stereotype when they first join. They might roll their eyes when you show up to a chapter meeting in a matching Lilly dress and agenda, and may see themselves as too cool for crafting, cupcakes, and even costumes. While, from your experience, you’ve generally witness these girls drop the pretense, and let their inner sorority girl shine in a couple of weeks, you want a little who embraces it from the second that she gets her bid card. After all, it’s imperative that she take hundreds of cute pictures with you on reveal day, and understand the importance of getting big and little written on your Starbucks cups, solely for the purposes of a cute Instagram.

6. She needs to literally be you.
I mean, it might seem creepy to ask for her shoe size now, but think of how much you’ll thank yourself when you’re able to raid your little’s closet on a daily basis. You know you’ll be spending the next two to three years together, so it’s much more convenient for the two of you to have the same taste in television shows, clothing, wine, and drunk food (just not boys, there’s a limit to how much you’re willing to share). At the end of the day, you don’t want a little who wants to watch a gory horror movie when you’re perfectly content watching Legally Blonde for the thousandth time, or who’s going to judge you when it’s 2am, and you’re eating McDonald’s while she’s making herself a salad.

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Hiding from my mother and standards, both of whom would disown me if they heard most of these stories. Aspiring law school student, with a chihuahua named Bruiser and a head of unnatural blonde hair. Email me your "crazy" stories or any mixed drink recipes that taste like juice, but have copious amounts of vodka in them at [email protected] Watch the bitch behind these stories at:

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