I’ve Given Up Trying To Be Sexy For Halloween

I've Given Up Trying To Be Sexy For Halloween

“You’re joking right?” my friend, Danni, asked while giving me a “you’ve clearly lost it” type of look.

“I think it could be really cute!” I tried desperately to persuade her.
“We’re not going in fucking onesies for Halloween,” she responded bluntly.

Fuck. I knew it was a long shot to convince a group of girls to hang up their cat ears and lounge around in conservative pajamas, but I was still hopeful. I could not explain why, but I have completely given up on the idea of “sexy” halloween. It wasn’t that I am suddenly too “above” the risqué costumes, in fact I fucking love to out-slut my self year after year. Pushing the envelope of public nudity laws, if you will. But when it came down to it, it just didn’t seem worth it anymore.

Sure, I would look good and therefore have a 110% of getting laid. Butttttt it would also require shivering and probably wearing a bra that itched and made my boobs ache. When instead I could be something comfortable and warm. Sure I already own a Harley Quinn outfit because you better believe I’m a committed veteran of the basic lifestyle, but on the other hand… Batman gets a cape. And yes, I could compromise with a full body Catwoman, but that would show all of the post pitcher tacos I scarfed down. And again, no cape.

Is this some slow, dark decent into the world of mediocre, sexless adulthood? I don’t know. All I know is that the luster of wearing three bras and pretending I can breathe while sucking in my fat for six hours is gone. And in its place is content with showing up to frat parties in sweatpants. All the guys worth having sex with know what I look like during my A game, and that’s good enough for me. They get the same gross day to day version of a hair knot and smeared makeup that my 8am classmates get, and if they can still love me, than you know the friendship is real.

Of course I know myself. I know I will get FOMO, I will cave and at least steal a boyfriend’s dress shirt for a last minute risky business. Although I am sad my heart is no longer in it. But I will march on in my booty shorts until it is socially acceptable to celebrate Halloween the right way- bingeing on candy and watching scary movies. Because nothing sounds sexier than a chocolate induced coma.

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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