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Mailbag: My Boyfriend Dumped Me Because I Watch Porn

girl on her computer

Rachel,

Let me start by saying I’ve been a huge fan of you and TSM for years — never thought I would be the girl writing in for advice regarding a tragedy, but here I am. I need your help. I’m just going to dive right into this, so buckle up. A guy ended it with me and I can’t stop thinking about it.

I dated this guy. Super into him, super gorgeous, super batshit crazy. My cup of tea. Now in his defense, he literally told me he was crazy. But he would word it by saying, “I’m so crazy. But crazy for you!” Cute right? Wrong.

One night we’re at the bar with two of his friends, and I’m probably more drunk than they are. Not because I might be an alcoholic, but because I pregamed with vodka. Anyways, his one friend mentioned something about porn. I couldn’t even tell you how it started but before ya know it, I’m balls deep in the convo.

I genuinely like to make people laugh. I rarely take anything seriously. So I mentioned that any girl who says they’ve never watched porn is a liar. Because get real, you can’t sit there and tell me you’ve never been lonely and drunk (that sounded bad, but you get it), and out of pure curiosity you wanted to see what all the hype is about. I mean, for fucks sake, boys love it don’t they? Apparently, mine didn’t. In a disapproving tone he responded, “You watch porn? that’s disgusting.” Yep. Disgusting. I played it cool and responded, “I mean I HAVE watched it, it’s not like it’s a hobby of mine?”

So after another beer, I noticed he refused to keep drinking. We called the Lyft to come get us. As we’re sitting in complete silence with each other I’m in tears. I finally asked what’s wrong. The conversation goes something like this,

“I think you’re disgusting. So gross. I like, can’t even look at you.”

“I was kidding babe, I don’t watch it like that.”

“Oh, so you’re a liar?”

“…what..is happening? No? You watch porn don’t you? All boys watch porn.”

“No, I haven’t in years. I haven’t even jerked off in 4 months.”

“Okay well sorry.”

“No. I don’t think I will ever get over this, that’s just so gross.”

“Dude, I didn’t mean it.”

“Oh, I’m just a dude?”

I’m gonna stop there, but I swear to GOD he told me that. He ended up making me cry because I wouldn’t be a girl if I didn’t drunk cry over a guy, right? And he ended it with me. SO — am I wrong for admitting to watching porn? Are we all supposed to LIE? Was I wrong to make a joke like that in front of his friends? I guess that’s the last time I try to be the “cool girl.”

– A

Hey A,

Let me just say, this is a first. Most of the time girls are pissed off about their boyfriends watching porn so this is refreshing in a fucked up, “I’m sorry you were dating such a dick” way. So to start out, I’m sorry you were dating such a dick. Because honestly, that’s what he is. I’m not trying to call him names or anything but hey, if the dick shoe fits.

So first of all — porn. is. not. bad. Yeah, it’s bad if you’re watching it and your grandmother with heart failure walks into the room. But for most of society, it’s not bad. That being said, everyone has a different perspective on it. But what it all comes down to that you must understand (talking to all of you porn haters rn) is that porn is not cheating. It’s the romcom of the sex world. An unrealistic fantasy that makes us feel good in an “I know this will never actually” happen way. Watch the movie Don Jon for more on this riveting topic and for lots of buff Joseph Gordon-Levitt

So porn? It’s just a fantasy. Sure it involves a lot of T&A but above all, that’s all it is. And while you say you just watched it to see what the fuss was about, there are plenty of women who watch it regularly. Hell, I’d even go so far as to advise it. That being said, even if you know all of this, if your significant other is against it, it makes this pretty messy, and not in the fun way.

So when it comes to porn and relationships, you have three options:

Have Open And Honest Communication

The first and obviously the best option in this case is to talk about it. One of you likes porn, the other is devastated about the idea. This isn’t the first time in your relationship that you’re going to be on opposing sides of something. So instead of looking at the situation with a closed mind, you could take this chance to, I don’t know? Grow or some shit. Consider what the other person is saying. Consider trying what they’re asking. If he likes porn but you feel like he’s cheating (he’s not, by the way) use this as a chance to actually make your relationship better. Ask him to pick something he thinks you’d like. Have a few glasses of wine. Relax. And see if watching porn with him doesn’t make you want to stab him with an ice pick. If you like it, great. Awesome. You just grew as a couple. If you don’t, he’ll respect you for giving it a try and putting yourself out there in your relationship.

Lie

Ah, a favorite of many ex-boyfriends past, lying is always a go-to option in a relationship. Don’t want someone who you plan to share your life with to find out something that will upset them? Lie! Instead of having a mature conversation you can risk your entire romance by hiding a truth you could probably work through. What’s the point of being in a relationship if you
find out things you don’t like about him/her? If your boyfriend thinks porn is gross, and you think it’s the tits (literally), why rock the boat? Just swear that you find it repulsive too, and clean your history every night. What could go wrong, right?

Stop Doing It

Finally, one of the best signs of a healthy relationship is giving up something you enjoy because your partner told you that you have to. Maybe you heard him out and understood where he was coming from. Maybe you stopped doing it because you didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable anymore. But maybe you gave it up because he threatened to leave you if you didn’t. Maybe he said you were disgusting if you kept looking at. So what did you do? You swore to stop. And you kept up with it. But now before you go to sleep you can’t help but imagine putting porn on every screen in your house and throwing him the fuck out. But hey, it’s worth it for love right?

What it all comes down to is that no one should make you feel bad about something that isn’t hurting them. Porn isn’t cheating. And someone who makes you feel like an asshole for liking porn is probably the asshole himself. But this isn’t a matter of whether or not it’s fine to watch other people get it on (that’s between you and him). It’s the fact that instead of handling it like an adult who values you, he handled it like a baby who probably has some sexual shit of his own to work out. Literally. Count him dumping you as a blessing and go find a guy who’s not only fine with your porn habit but joins you in it.

Image via Shutterstock

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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