Dear J,
So here goes: this past weekend, one of my good friends hooked up with the guy that I’ve been hooking up off and on with past two years. She knew I had feelings for him (we’ve obviously discussed it at length), and even knew I had planned to go home with him that night, and yet she swooped in and did it anyway, despite the fact that if I’d done the same to her with her guy she liked, she would’ve chopped me into pieces.
Am I right to be mad? Isn’t it an unwritten rule that you don’t hook up with someone your friend likes? Is it possible for me to forgive and forget? She’s been texting me endlessly, begging for forgiveness.
Help. I need to figure this out, but I can’t stop crying.
Sincerely,
D.S.
Well, apparently this was the theme of last weekend, because not only did I get this email, but two of my friends had strikingly similar situations happen to them as well. So I’m going to tell you what I told them – this sucks.
Are you right to be mad? In the words of Mr. Big, abso-fucking-lutely. This girl, who said she was your friend, hooked up with someone you liked. It’s like the most flagrant violation of girl code there is. Like, we would kick her out of girl-world if that was possible. Of course, you and he weren’t official in any capacity, but as you said, you and your friend had discussed that you had feelings for him, on I assume more than one occasion, so it’s not like she can plead ignorance.
There is one caveat of sorts here in terms of girl code, though – and that’s if you never claimed this guy as “yours” to your friend base. In today’s “hook up” culture (God, I hate that term), it can be a little confusing as to who you care about vs. who you don’t. It doesn’t sound like that was the case, since you were hooking up with him for a long period of time and had discussed your having “the feels” with your friend. But that exception does come into play sometimes and you need to accept your role if that’s the case. Yes, it can feel a little silly to call dibs on a guy, but it does make things much clearer for everyone if you call “mine!” when you really like someone.
As for if you can forgive and forget… I’ll say this: if you can do both, you’re a better person than me. Forgiveness is the easy part, and truthfully, the person who will pay the most if you stay mad is you. You don’t need to let this eat you up inside and she shouldn’t have that much power over you. But remember this: “Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive.” No, I’m not super smart – some guy named William Paul Young said that. But ol’ WPY is right. Just because you forgive your friend doesn’t mean you have to forget what she did, and it certainly doesn’t you ever have to trust her again. Frankly, I’m not sure she’s deserving of being trusted. And since trust is the basis of all good friendships, it may be time to cut this “friend” out of your life. Girls pull this kind of crap are like the yellow Starbursts of your friend group – totally unnecessary.
One question that I’m sort of surprised you didn’t ask – what about him? Honestly, it makes me a little nuts that you didn’t pose that question too. It’s like an episode of a talk show when the mistress and the wife blame each other and get in a slap fest while the guy sits there with a big grin, when he’s just as much – if not more – at fault as both of them. So even though you didn’t ask (and maybe you didn’t because the correct reply is so obvious), I’m going to answer.
Bottom line: any guy that hooks up with one of your friends clearly is a complete asshole. Sure, maybe you’ve never told him you had feelings for him and guys are not mind readers, but this is just plain common sense. Even if you aren’t exclusive, you don’t date (or hook up) in the same pool as someone else you are hooking up with. I mean, duh – even the most insensitive, idiotic guy knows that. He’s A-grade fuckboy material. So while I understand the instinct to make him innocent in all this, he’s just as much to blame here as your friend. And therefore, he’s obviously not good enough for you.
So here’s my TL;DR advice: ignore his next “you up?” text and her next “I’m sorrrrrrrrrry” plea and relegate these both of these hideous people to the bottom of the pile where they belong and move on. Follow the advice of the great Lauren Conrad: “I want to forgive you and I want to forget you.”
There’s better friends (and better guys) out there for you, and you deserve that..
Nice Move257
Respond
Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, and documenting her love of all things cheese related. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
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