My Being A Crazy Girlfriend Is Basically Preparing You For Your Future

Crazy Girlfriend

Every time a guy claims he wants children or would be an amazing father, I shoot him a not-so-subtle eye roll. It might seem a little rude to flat-out tell a guy he would be the kind of crap dad who produces the type of girl that he himself tends to glorify, but it’s true. Think back to every douchebag guy that didn’t answer your call(s) at 2am when you were drunk. Or who couldn’t just hold you when you were feeling extra emotional and wanted to cry. Or, my favorite, called you a psycho for needing too much validation/attention 24/7. What do these boys think fatherhood is if not a needy as shit girlfriend?

We, the girls who can’t accept that our lives are not Nicholas Sparks novels, are the ones who create great fathers. We desensitize them. We turn boys into men. Sure, they might have learned humility and discipline while pledging. But, if we’re being honest, we did all the heavy lifting.

Think about it. Which guy is going to be better at cleaning up his baby’s bodily fluids? The guy who spent his college career refusing to date a total DAB, or the guy who was holding his girlfriend’s hair back and wiping her tears? Babies are just shit faced little college students. They’re basically freshmen in their first semester — so fucking clueless that they lose the ability to talk, walk, and control their emotions. You know who else is like first semester freshmen? Us. Every single semester we attend college. Because we go big or quite literally go home. That’s a potential eight semesters worth of childcare education classes. How are guys not jumping at the opportunity??

It’s like they expect their toddler never to cry during a game or complain when he leaves for poker night. We don’t need to grow up. They need to buckle down. Without us, real life would hit like a fucking train.

Besides, when these guys then meet women who aren’t fucking insane, they then can fully appreciate them. You don’t truly appreciate cake if you’ve been eating cake your whole life. However, if you’ve been eating, like, that really gross vegan cheese that make your soul sad all your life and THEN you get to eat cake… that shit becomes magical. That’s my role in your life. I am the shitty vegan cheese. And while you might resent me now, you will for damn sure appreciate me in the future.

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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