If there’s one reason and one reason only to lock someone down and force them to marry you, it’s to get on Say Yes To The Dress. Sure the whole, not dying alone and having someone to legally stay with you is great, but do you know what’s better? Having your literal 15 minutes of fame on TLC while you call your mom a bitch for insisting that you get a white dress instead of an ivory one.
Naturally, as a wedding-loving crazy girl, getting on the show has been my dream since before I knew the name Pnina Tornai. And so, the moment I landed a ring on my hand and had the opportunity to change my Facebook status to “Almost A Mrs. If I Don’t Fuck This Up,” I knew what I needed to do: I had to apply to be on the show and dear God, they had to pick me.
Now, since I’ve worked and studied in the media, I know that they don’t want normal, average, run of the mill girls. They want bitches who will cause dRaMa. Still, like any application, being fully honest is usually never the move. So, as I’m filling out my application with the perfect amount of honesty and lies (roughly 5% honesty, 95% lies), I felt I needed to do a REAL one, so all someday-brides know what to plan for. Below are my honest answers to the Say Yes To The Dress application because if I don’t get on the show, I still better get some GD attention.
Please attach a personal photo for your application to be considered.
This one should get the job done, don’t you think?
How did your partner propose to you?
The same way everyone’s partner proposes. With deceit, a snitch from Harry Potter, and about three years of merciless hinting and drunken conversations about when tf it’ll happen.
Is your fiance coming shopping with you?
Will this help or hurt my chances? I’ll do whatever you need me to do. Need him to come with me? Need him to try on some dresses too? Need him to physically cut off his own balls and hand them to me in a Mason jar on television? Done, done, and done.
Are you a plus-size bride?
God, I hate labels. I mean like, what even is plus-size? After downing a whole Chipotle bowl and a side of chips and guac, aren’t we all a little plus-size?
Wedding Dress Budget
Like, $50. But let’s just say an even $10,000 to make things extra difficult for all of us.
Please describe yourself in 3 words:
Describe your sense of style in 3 words:
Please see above.
Please list the people shopping with you and tell us a bit about their personalities (please keep in mind there is limit of 3 guests):
Three guests? Umm, I’m sorry. Have you ever even seen your show? Bitches waltz in with half of their fucking families. Because I’m sure good ole Uncle Tom really has some great dress insight. Since I have to pick, however, I’ll choose whoever will cause the absolute most drama.
• Veronica Ruckh: Outspoken bridesmaid who won’t let me walk away in something tacky and will also maybe try on wedding dresses while we’re there because she can’t resist.
• Some wildcard celebrity: Obviously the secret to getting on the show is to bring a celebrity guest. Since, unfortunately, I don’t have any very famous friends, I’ll most likely have to resort to a creepy uncle who people will wonder if there’s something secretly going on between us.
• My father: I mean, come on. The saps on the show love this shit. A big guy comes in, gives the salespeople hell, cries when he sees his baby girl in a gown, and agrees to triple the budget so she’s happy. It’s a TV goldmine.
Who is influencing your gown decision?
Literally every single person on the internet.
What has been the most stressful part of planning your wedding and looking for a wedding dress so far?
The fact that I have a $50 budget but keep telling boutiques to keep it under $10,000. Also, who knew your ass would just hang out of the back of the dress if you’re not a size, well, smaller than me.
Please note: My sexy, full-coverage underwear just so happens to be the exact same shade as my skin tone. And no, the tramp stamp, while stunning, was just a temporary tattoo that I drunkenly decided to put on the day before trying on dresses for the first time in my life.
Tell us something about yourself we wouldn’t know by looking at you. Ever run a marathon? Have a secret tattoo? Have a black belt in karate? Help build a village in Africa? There is no right or wrong answer, just tell us something about you that may surprise us or make our viewers say, “Cool”.
First of all, “Ever run a marathon? Have a black belt in karate? Help build a village in Africa?” Fuuuuck you. I lied about each and every community service hour just so I could go on formal every year in my chapter. Am I proud of it? No. Do I regret it? Again, no. Have I ever done anything nice for another human? Also, no. But hey, I’d be willing to actually make that tramp stamp a reality if that’s what it takes, TLC.
Are there any traditions that are important to you, your family or your culture? For instance is it good luck to have a really long train? Do your arms have to be covered for the ceremony?
It needs to be able to be pulled over my ass so that I can
have drunken sex in the bathroom with my betrothed mid-way through our reception pee by myself.
What kind of dress are you looking for? Any specific designers you like?
I want a dress that makes me look like I have a shape but also poofy enough that I feel like a bride. I want it extremely low-cut but I also want it to be strapless. Bling? Bring it the fuck on. I want to bling the bitch out. Just you know, be mindful of my $50 budget.
Why do you think you would be fun to watch on TV?
Because I will literally pull out my vagina to be on it. Not a joke. Not a threat. Just a fact.
Do you have any special requests for your wedding dress? Are you having a Winter Wonderland theme and hope to find a dress with snowflakes on it? Maybe you are a non-traditional bride and you are looking for a short, tight dress or a red dress?
Obviously, I’ve always dreamed of wearing a dress that would not only make everyone say, “wow that’s so her,” but would also make everyone jealous for the rest of their lives. I want my friends to hate me because of how great the dress is. Like, I literally want our friendships to end. I want relationships to end because the men just dream of being with me. I want my cousins to be orphaned because their parents died over how fucking great I looked at my wedding. But like, also with a hint of lace, ya feel?
Why is it important for you to shop at Kleinfeld Bridal?
Because I want to milk my wedding for all that it’s worth and if I don’t get attention every step of the way, then why the fuck am I getting married?
Because I’ve been watching the show since I was like, seven, and even then I had absurdly unrealistic expectations for myself and my dress, so I’d really like to have the mental breakdown on television that I’ve been planning for for way over a decade.
Because maybe if I’m outrageous enough, I can just be famous and not have to resort to hoping I get hot enough to sell teeth whiteners online.
…because I’m a big fan of the show.
I’ll be waiting by the phone, Randy. Your move bb..