After four seasons on various “Bachelor” franchise shows, Nick Viall’s original job as a “businessperson” has been slowly reduced to “manwhore” or “fantasy suite professional.” As this season comes to a close, we’re all crossing our fingers that he finally finds some fucking love so we stop having to watch him get rejected. In my personal opinion, Nick was an idiot for sending Rachel home. Not only because she was very obviously way too good for him, but because he would be able to make the smooth transition from mooching off of the Bachelor payroll to sponging off of her high-rolling attorney paycheck.
Fear not for either Vanessa, a special education teacher, or Raven, a fashion boutique owner, as they might not be destined for a life married to a “retired reality TV star;” since Nick has been cast on the 24th season of “Dancing With the Stars.” There’s no way now that Nick can justify his two runs on “The Bachelorette,” one on “Bachelor in Paradise” and current season of “The Bachelor” as his attempt at looking to find love; as his jump to the new franchise has exposed his fame-whoring ways. What’s his excuse now? He just wants to show America his, at-best subpar, dancing talents? Or did he want to use the show as an excuse to grind up on a professional dancer without pissing off his brand new fiancé?
C’mon, we all saw Nick’s dancing on this season’s “Bachelor,” when he went on stage with the Backstreet Boys. There’s a reason that the camera panned as far away from him as possible during the entire number….
It’s obvious that ABC didn’t bring Nick on for any natural abilities; and I’m not entirely sure that they brought him on to attract any big crowds either. While I’m sure that there are some bored and horny housewives out there who still enjoy fantasizing about Nick, for the most part, the rest of America is sick of him. Just like our parents, who want to cut us off, but are still too afraid to leave us to financially fend for ourselves, ABC has found themselves responsible for Nick, and obligated to continue to support him. Similar to a dad who hires his college-drop child as the “social media expert” for the family business, while still ensuring that there is an actual professional there to watch over them (to make sure they don’t fuck up too badly); the company has hired Nick into the role that they’re certain he won’t be able to screw up too badly in, while praying that his professional dance partner will be able to pick up on his slack.
Heather Morris, Charo, Simone Biles and Mr. T will also be joining Viall on the show; rounding out the cast that will surely make for an interesting season. It will be interesting to see how Nick fairs on a show where he needs to compete with something other than his dick. Here’s to hoping he doesn’t come in second place again..
Image via Shutterstock
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Hiding from my mother and standards, both of whom would disown me if they heard most of these stories. Aspiring law school student, with a chihuahua named Bruiser and a head of unnatural blonde hair. Email me your "crazy" stories or any mixed drink recipes that taste like juice, but have copious amounts of vodka in them at [email protected] Watch the bitch behind these stories at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vrp2D9h3SMk&t=67s
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