Ladies, it’s time we have a little chat. I didn’t want to be the one to have to do this to you. Seriously. I had kind of hoped you would figure it out on your own, like you figured out that Santa Claus wasn’t real or that vodka tonic has calories whereas vodka soda does not. But after a conversation with my friends, it’s become very clear that someone needs to send out this message.
It all started with wine and ladylike conversation. One of my friends asked why people get their assholes bleached (#LifeQuestions). A fair question. I decided to dive right in.
“Because guys like how it looks, obviously.” I took a sip of my wine and expected that to be the end of it. Question asked and me, to the rescue. But no. That wasn’t the end. It was just the beginning.
“What do you mean? Why would guys be looking at your asshole? What are you talking about?” Her eyes got wide as she glanced around the group.
An eerie silence filled the room as we all wondered what to do. I looked to the girl on my left who hesitantly took a sip of her wine and avoided eye contact with me. I guess I was on my own in this one. I quickly debated whether or not to tell her the truth. To tell her that the life she had been living was a lie. That things aren’t as they seem. But as I saw her face, filled with concern and urgency, I knew that it was up to me to tell her. I slowly put my glass down, took a deep breath, and turned to her.
“Because guys can see your asshole during sex.”
Once it was out, there was no getting it back. It hovered in the air and created an uneasiness around us.
“What…what do you mean? How?” She asked, her eyes growing wider as the panic set in.
Fuuuuuck. I was going to have to explain it. I knew that there was no turning back. I already opened the jar, and the truth was right there, just waiting to come out.
“When he’s behind you during sex. And you like, bend over, your, you know, your butt sort of spreads and guys can see the uh, the hole.” I said it as quickly as I could, and immediately picked up my cup and chugged back the rest of my drink.
In the silence, I knew what was about to come.
“No. Shut the fuck up. No. You’re wrong. They can’t. How do you know?”
How do I know? Because at one point or another, a guy told me. He said it reminded him “of a cat butt” and my life was never the same after that. Sure, it was shocking. For awhile, I was weird about it, and fine, I locked my cat in the bathroom for a week because every time I saw its ass, I felt uneasy. But I survived and one day, I just accepted it. My friend, however, looked like she wasn’t going to.
“That doesn’t make sense!” She shouted, as she stood up rapidly from her seat. “No guy has ever told me that!”
Yeah. No guy has ever told you because to guys, it’s normal. Ever since they started looking at sex (read: porn) and having sex (read: prom night), they’ve been exposed to our little butt button. It’s all a part of sex to them, like pretending that they like going down on us or gazing deeply into our eyes/soul at some point during the act. But for most of us, we never realized what they were looking at when we decided to reverse cowgirl..
Finally, one of my other friends came to the rescue and piped up. “It’s true okay? It’s true.”
But it wasn’t enough. And I get that. She was in denial. She was scared. So my naïve friend hopped up on the couch and got on all fours. She got into doggy position in front of us all and reached back to touch her yoga-pant-clad ass.
“See? I feel like my butt is big enough that it hides it. Like my cheeks aren’t spread, you know? I’m pretty sure they can’t see mine.”
The rest of us glanced at each other. We could just leave it be. We could just let her believe that she’s the exception and the every guy she’s ever slept with has been wondering why oh why they can’t see her asshole. But at this point, I figured we should just end it. We should move forward with the knowledge and not backtrack.
“Trust me. They can see it.” I said, wishing that I had never spoken up.
My friend spent the next thirty minutes contacting guys she had slept with and asking them. Eventually, she fell into a sullen mood and excused herself to go home. We all speculated what she had been told, but it wasn’t until I texted her later, asking what had happened, that I had my answer.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” she responded to me immediately, confirming what we all knew was true.
Guys can, and have always been able to, see your butthole during sex. It just is what it is. Sure, they claim that it “depends on the girl.” Maybe that’s true, or maybe they’re just trying to avoid freaking us out. Either way, chances are, at some point, in some positions, your asshole is, or has been, exposed. And to some guys it’s sexy as hell. To other guys it just is. Why am I telling you this then? Isn’t ignorance bliss? Sure. And I’d be fine with letting you go about your life thinking that your asshole has never been seen. But when you’re having sex, guys are literally STARING at it. And you know what else? They still stick around. They still come back. They still like you. At least, sort of.
So my point is, stop being so self-conscious, in life and in bed. Stop worrying if your legs are perfectly shaved or if the light is flattering enough. Stop being afraid to try a new sex position or a new career position because it might expose you, or because it might make you look like an ass (LOL). Go for it. Just do it. Because at the end of the day, living a boring, “missionary” life isn’t fun for anyone. And if guys still want to fuck us, even though they’re staring into our assholes, it must mean it’s because we’re pretty freaking great.
And to me, that’s some powerful shit. Whether my asshole is bleached or not..
Nice Move355
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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