Sex Positions, Ranked By How Bad They Are If Someone Walks In


Everyone knows no two sex positions are created equally. Especially when your roommates/parents/God walk in and see you in the compromising position. Luckily, there are a definitely some positions you’d rather be in than others, which you should keep in mind next time you decide to get down and dirty in your own home.


Tried and true, missionary is least offensive position to get caught in. It looks like you’re ~making love~ as opposed to just smashing uglies. Plus, you’re pretty much completely covered. Throw on a blanket to cover his hairy, bare ass and you’re pretty much just reenacting a tasteful scene from (insert RomCom here).
5/5 orgasms


This is another position where you going to look your best. Who really minds that about looking like a fucking goddess when they get walked in on? Not to mention, your friends still don’t believe that your lazy piece of shit self literally ever gets on top, so maybe this is the hard-hitting evidence they need. The only down side is, you know, exercise.
4.5/5 Orgasms

Spooning- Turned Away

Sure, they know you weren’t just cuddling, but it’s still plausible. This could have been the best position to be caught in for this reason, except for the fact that you need to have sex in the spooning position. Which, of course, no one enjoys.
4/5 Orgasms


Not classy, but feels great. At least you still get yours?
3/5 Orgasms

Backwards Cowgirl

Not only are you letting the world know you would do anything for the boy you’re literally humping, you’re also letting the world know that he’s not the biggest fan of your face. Your ass? Sure. But face?? Eh, not so much.
2.5/5 Orgasms

Face Down, Ass Up

He still doesn’t like your face, but you’re also too lazy to do the work of being on top. Winners all around.
2/5 Orgasms

Pile Driver

Remember how missionary was #1 because it’s making love not just getting fucked? You can’t make getting pile drived sound romantic. Trust me, I’ve tried.
1.5/5 Orgasms


First of all, I don’t appreciate you allowing him to fuck you like this. You’re the reason the rest of us get a bad rep for just lying there like a normal person. Get your feet back on the floor on and think about your life choices.
1/5 Orgasms

Blow Job

You ever see a deer in the headlights? What about a deer in the headlights while currently trying to deep throat? That’s you.
0/5 Orgasms

Be safe, kids. Happy humping.

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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