9 Things You Probably Shouldn’t Use As A Condom

couple with condom

For a lot of people, their ~first time~ was something special. Whether it was with the perfect guy in the perfect location or just a hot guy in the back of the car, most of the time that first experience of full-on penetration is a big deal. The only problem is that a lot of us are young, proud assholes and have no idea what we’re doing.

According to The Mirror, one couple in particular fucked up big time when they decided to, well, fuck for the first time. Two college kids in Vietnam recently had the most embarrassing time losing their virginities when they decided to use a plastic bag instead of a condom.

It turns out our leading man was “too embarrassed” to buy condoms (red flag number one that you shouldn’t be having sex) so instead they used a plastic bag. And it turns out, plastic bags can not be used as condoms. Shocker. The couple experienced cuts and bleeding and had to go to the hospital and get antibiotics. It turns out plastic bags have zero lubrication and elasticity and absolutely suck as condoms.

So, in order to prevent this shit from happening, here are a few other things you probably shouldn’t use as a condom. You know, to prevent making headlines and suffering painful embarrassment. Literally.

  1. A plastic bag.
    We *just* learned this the hard way.
  2. A banana peel.
    I know it seems natural, but it’s anything but.
  3. Plastic wrap.
    Just because they did it on “Grease” it doesn’t mean it was a good idea.
  4. Tape.
    If you have to resort to using tape, you don’t deserve to have sex.
  5. A sandwich bag.
    It doesn’t matter if it never contained a sandwich. Steer clear and only use these for carbs.
  6. Some sort of cloth.
    Too absorbent. Too messy.  Too dumb.
  7. An expired condom.
    What are you? 14 and keeping one in your wallet just in case?
  8. No condom.
    Come on. You’re smarter than that. 
  9. Your mouth.
    I’m not saying you *have* to be team no-jay. But if you are, I respect the  move.

Next time you feel embarassed about asking for condoms, stop being a little bitch and remember it could be a hell of a lot worse.

[via Mirror]

Image via Shutterstock

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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