Heartbreak has got to be one of the worst feelings in the world. I have been through a lot, and by that, I mean enough to leave trained grief professionals going “holy fucking shit.” But there is something almost comically bad about losing that person, your person. Or, at least, the person who you once upon a time thought was supposed to be your person. That, my friends, is a terrible fucking feeling. Then, after a few months of crying into your ice cream, gaining depression pounds, and then losing them for the sake of “revenge body,” things are supposed to be better.

Usually, though, they’re not. You still find yourself checking his Instagram every day and cursing him for taking you off his find my friends. So, a few more months go by and you deal with it by either hooking up with everyone in sight (maybe to make him jealous or maybe just because you can’t bare to sleep alone) or you can’t bring yourself to do anything with anyone, and you can pretty much guarantee your hymen grew back. This time, this time you’re finally over him… right? Nope, because you still cry in the bathroom of your favorite bar when you see the girl he wasted no time getting with after you broke up. Or every time your phone buzzes you can’t help but think What if it’s him? What if he wants to try this again?… but in reality it’s just your bank telling you your 8 months of retail therapy have depleted your already pathetic savings.

Nothing about true heartbreak is “good.” Sure, maybe you love being single or maybe he really was an asshole and it’s healthier for you to move on, but that doesn’t really seem to help. No matter how many times you tell me “he’s a piece of shit, you’re better off without him,” I’m not going to just stop hurting, Jessica. The only kind of not shitty things are the things you aren’t giving yourself credit for. The small victories in being slightly less pathetic than you were last month.

1. His name isn’t featured on your Instagram’s “person A, person B, and xxx others liked this” feature.
2. Neither is his new/ex-girlfriend.
3. Or, you know, that random girl that was in the background of one of his random tagged photos.
4. You’re genuinely happy to see his brothers that you used to get along with, instead of hiding from them.
5. You get really dressed up and don’t consider it a waste if you didn’t “accidentally” run into him.
6. You haven’t “accidentally” run into him in like a month week two days. Again, small victories.
7. You hung out with a mutual friend and it didn’t occur to you to ask about him.
8. You finished the series you started with him.
9. You stopped insulting him to hide your bitterness.
10. You had a happy dream that didn’t involve him at all.
11. You had a sad dream or nightmare and didn’t immediately feel the need to ask him to comfort you.
12. You asked another person to pay attention to you, they did, and you don’t feel like there’s still a gaping hole in your heart.
13. Your mom called to ask how you’re doing and you didn’t immediately burst into tears.
14. You started working out to look good for an upcoming event, not for him.
15. You think you saw him at a bar, and genuinely did not notice when he left.
16. You danced with a rando out in public because you were drunk and feeling good, not to try and get his attention.
17. Like, you still did it to get attention, just not *his* attention. Props.
18. You tried to make an impulse decision to change your look and get bangs, but you talked yourself out of it.
19. The ’90s are back… but not… that back.
20. You stop feeling the need to clutter your feed with quotes about how you’re sooooo sweet and all guys are such assholes.
21. Or you never did that in the first place in which case good job for not being psycho.
22. Your friends finally stopped giving each other the wide eyed scared look when you start drinking because they trust you that you probably won’t go off the deep end.
23. Speaking of drinking, you’re doing less of it.
24. Okay so maybe not less drinking in general, but definitely less drinking wine.
25. Okay so maybe not less wine, but less sad wine. Wine is a happy flavor again.
26. Now that you’re on the subject, you totally are going to book a wine tasting weekend with your best friends.
27. You saw a bunch of couple’s costumes over the weekend and were genuinely impressed with the great ones. You know, without getting jealous.
28. You also saw some that were so incredibly low effort and stupid you were grateful your ex didn’t drag you down to his level.
29. A tee-shirt with cotton balls unenthusiastically glued to it isn’t a costume, after all.
30. Facebook friend 689 got engaged this week and you were only as bitter as you were when you were still with him and Facebook friend 594 got engaged.
31. You’ve accepted that maybe that longing feeling isn’t going to go away, so you’ve stopped trying so hard to fill it..

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Blue-eyed-blondie

Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at blue.eyed.blondie.tsm@gmail.com EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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