When it comes to Instagram, we’re creepy, calculating devils. We know when to post things to get the most likes. We know how to stalk someone without accidentally double tapping at seventy-two weeks. And we know that a like doesn’t just mean that you enjoyed looking at a picture. No, a like says more about your relationship with the person than what you’re looking at. So here are the seven Instagram likes we all do, because when it all comes down to it — we’re just really shitty people.
1. The Pity Like
The saddest of the likes, the pity like is something we’ve all resorted to once or twice. Maybe it’s for that smart friend who you copy notes from. Maybe it’s the girl you used to hate, but now stalk her because her life has turned to shit (which you secretly love but still feel somewhat bad for). Or maybe it’s just someone who posted at the wrong time of the day and have hit less than double digits in thirty minutes. Whatever it is, you feel bad. You’ve been there. You know what it’s like to stare at your phone, wondering what you did wrong. So you decide to be noble and throw a double tap to the poor person’s way. Because you’re just like, a really really good person.
2. The Passive-Aggressive Like
This is the bitchiest like in the game, but holy shit, does it feel good. It’s usually reserved for someone you secretly hate, and you throw it in there so subtly, it almost goes unnoticed. Almost. Oh, she spilled coffee on herself and felt like she needed to post it? Like. Post-fender bender picture of her car? Like. Sappy quote about being single forever? Like, like, like. What can you say? Someone’s gotta put a bitch in her place.
3. The Hate-Like
This is the like for the girl you hate. Like really, really hate. Maybe she’s dating the guy you hooked up with. Maybe she’s your ex’s new girlfriend and for some insane reason you follow her. Maybe you were enemies in high school. Either way, a like to her does not mean “I like what you posted.” It means “I’m watching you. I still hate you. And when you see my name pop up with the notification, I hope you realize that I still think you suck.” You know, in a totally non-creepy way. Obvi.
4. The Jealous Like
The jealous like is a hard one to swallow. On one hand, you probably genuinely like the person who posted it. They’re really nice and really pretty and pretty much have their shit together. But on the other hand, they’re sort of too nice. Too pretty. And have things too perfectly together. The jealous like is reserved for the girl who’s been working out like crazy and now has a killer bod. The perfect couple on the perfect vacation doing perfect things. The girl with the big tits who’s also really smart and has a really successful Etsy shop or something. You like her posts because maybe some of her perfectness will rub off on you, or something. Pathetic, I know.
5. The Duty Like
Whether it’s your best friend, your little, or your coworker, you sort of don’t have a choice when it comes to this one. No matter what the person posts, you have to double tap it. If you don’t, chances are she’ll ask why you didn’t, and you’re going to have to anyways. Might as well get it out of the way before things turn ugly.
6. The Thoughtless Like
The thoughtless like is the reason why social media is destroying us. When we’re mindlessly scrolling through our feed, we do it without even realizing it. We throw it out to literally any girl in our sorority. Or person at a bar we like. Or any slice of pizza we come across. I want to say it’s dumb, but if it’ll get me to triple digits in return, I can’t really complain.
7. The “I Want To Hook Up With You” Like
This one speaks for itself.
8. The Actual Like
Now this. This is the like that Instagram was made for. It’s the like you give when you see something really, genuinely cool, or beautiful, or amazing. It’s a newborn baby (or puppy, whichever you prefer). It’s someone who hiked to the top of a freaking mountain. It’s the things that make you laugh or cry or really sit and think about life. It doesn’t happen often. But when you see something you genuinely like, it usually does something amazing. It makes you put down your phone because you want to live a cool, beautiful, amazing life, too. So turn off Netflix, put on some real pants, and start living. If you’re not going to do it for yourself, for the love of all things basic, do it for the ‘gram..