Despite what some recent studies are saying, a lot of us still think sex is great. I, for one: big fan of sex. Big fan. Huge. But with sex comes the unfortunate aftermath that is the male orgasm. It’s not that I don’t want my man to get off. I do. I practically base my self-worth around it (lol, jk jk, love me). But guys finish in a finite number of ways, and a lot of them are weird. So I’ve ranked them from best to worst.
1. The Slow Fade Guy
No male orgasm is great, but this is what I’d call home base. The perfect cummer if there were such a thing. The slow fade generally consists of the guy you’re with, seemingly suddenly, holding onto your body for dear life for three to five seconds while he finishes, and then gradually slowing his ~thrusting~ (ew) until he comes to a complete stop (so many accidental puns). This is the best thing we’ve got on the table.
2. The Aggressive Warning Guy
It’s borderline offensive how much this guy doesn’t want to have a baby with you, but in the end his eagerness to make sure everyone’s on the same page is almost cute. He aggressively taps, not spanks, you on the ass and warns “Stop, stop. I’m gonna cum. I’m gonna cum.” This guy is team pull-out for sure.
3. The Basically A Seizure Guy
This guy seems like he’s going to slow fade, but then he has these full body convulsions at the end. It’s very awkward. You don’t know when it’s over, because he keeps seizing, and you’re afraid to move. Overall, it’s not that awful, but definitely something you mention on a wine night with your girlfriends.
4. The Ugly O Face Guy
It’s totally unfair to judge a guy on the face he makes when he’s reaching the Big O, but if you leave the moment for even just a second, you become painfully aware of the weird wincing he’s making. Are you okay, sir. Are you in pain. Good Lord, please tell me I don’t look like that during my big finale.
5. The Moaner Guy
A few grunts here and there are acceptable — nay, they’re appreciated. But when a man moans in bed like a woman, I’m really not sure there’s anything less attractive. When women scream in bed, it’s hot. When men do it, somehow, it has the exact opposite effect, and I start bleeding from my ears, especially when his moans are an octave higher than his voice.
6. The No Warning Guy
Hey, No Warning Guy, fuck you. Fuck you and your whole family and all your friends, and maybe a few of your favorite teachers. Giving no warning is not cool, especially during a blow jay. Like, hello, what if at SeaWorld they didn’t tell you these seats were in the splash zone? It would be mayhem. Same shit. If you’re comfortable with a girl, she can probably read your body language, but if you’re new to each other’s bodies, you need to at least give her a courtesy tap on the bootay (or shoulder if she’s downtown) to let her decide what semen disposal method is right for her.
7. The Pre-cum Guy
I feel bad. It’s not your fault. Or is it? I don’t really know how this stuff works. But it’s seriously a buzz kill to go through the process of shaving your cooter, spending two hours getting ready, agonizing over every text message sent for weeks and weeks, all for a one-minute lay. I’ve decided I’m going to ride this ride, and I don’t want it to be over before I’ve even gotten started. Something about sex being for both parties? I don’t know. There I go again with my crazy woman talk.
8. The Ghostgasm Guy
What is the deal with the guy who cums like he’s barely cumming at all?! No noise. No body language. No difference in breathing. Nothing. He just suddenly stops fucking you, and when you’re puzzled as to why, he thinks you’re insane. As if you were supposed to figure out through telepathy that your thump sesh was coming to an end. I’m sorry, you ungrateful fuck. Did you not enjoy yourself? Was my body not a gracious host for you? How is it possible that you had no detectable reaction to the one thing that keeps the human race going? This isn’t just insulting and confusing, it’s spooky..
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