Take a minute and just think about your own individual friend group. Odds are, all of your friends have very distinct and different personalities, meaning you are more likely to go to one friend in one scenario and another for a different scenario. Maybe you’ve never actually thought about it, but even among your best friends, you share different tidbits of your life with different people, depending upon their individual strengths. As such, I’ve taken it upon myself to define the eight different types of friends that are undoubtedly found in your friend group at any given time.
The Mom
The mom of the friend group is the easiest to identify. She’s the friend who is always watching out for everyone, never gets too drunk, and never does anything crazy. While she is great to go to when you are feeling homesick (or just sick in general) and is always sure to bake for you, don’t make the mistake of sharing your slutty night out with her. The mom of your friend group judges harder than your own mom.
The Slut
This one is pretty obvious. Wednesday through Saturday night, this girl can be found in any one of the beds from her current list of fuckbuddies. She gives zero fucks about tarnishing her reputation and fully embraces her slut status. Go to this girl if you’re feeling bad about an extremely regrettable mistake after a bad breakup and too many shots of tequila. She’ll tell you a fucked up story that will make yours look like child’s play.
The Brainiac
She probably has some stereotypically hard major, like engineering or pre-med, but she makes that shit look easy. You looked through her notebook one time and you quite seriously could not understand about 75 percent of what was written in it. Even if she isn’t in your major, she somehow still knows more about your core history elective than you do. The good thing is that she is always down to help. You bring the Starbucks, she’ll bring her stack of notes and books, and you’ll leave the study session feeling smarter than ever.
The Homebody
This girl’s idea of a good time is casually having a glass of wine while baking cookies and watching trashy reality TV. Sure, we all love to do that every now and then, but this is homegirl’s idea of weekend plans every. Damn. Weekend. She may not be the most ‘fun’ of your friend group, but she’s probably the best listener. Not only that, but every time you hangout, you find yourself having real, thought provoking conversations, such as the pros and cons of the presidential candidates, why feminism is important, or the ethical and moral implications of stem cell research. When so many of our daily conversations can be vapid and surface level, it’s always important to have at least one friend to talk about real issues with.
The Girlfriend
You aren’t sure how she does it, but ever since you’ve met this girl, she has literally always been in a relationship. The funny thing is, it hasn’t even been the same relationship. She goes from serious relationship to serious relationship faster than you can shotgun a beer at the homecoming tailgate. You’ve asked her how she does it but she always gives you some infuriatingly vague answer about how “when you meet him, you’ll just know.” Whatever, At least she always sets you up with his friends for semi.
The Party Girl
This girl is always down for a good time. Whether you are looking for fun plans on Saturday night or decided that noon on a random Tuesday was the perfect time to start drinking, this girl will be at your side. She lives in a constant state of FOMO and will basically say yes to anything, and then proceed to up the ante by suggesting something even crazier. This is not for the faint of heart, because being the party girl is not a sustainable lifestyle. In my experience, this girl changes at least every year, sometimes every semester depending on course load and other commitments. Words of wisdom, when it’s your turn to step into the studded, hot pink “Party Girl” shoes, do not disappoint all those who have gone before you.
The “Yellow Starburst”
There is always that one girl in the friend group that no one is really quite sure how she got in with you guys. Like a yellow starburst, you’ll deal with her, but she is never your first choice for anything. She defines average; average looks, average intelligence, average sluttiness, average fun-ness. She’s just kind of there. It’s not that you all hate her, or even that you don’t like her, but you’d never hang out with her individually. I mean, what would you even talk about? She’s the friend that if you all were on survivor, her ass would be the first one voted off without even a second thought. Honestly, sucks to suck, but better her than you, am I right?
The Best Friend
Sure, you say all of these girls are your *high pitched squeal* beeeeessssssst friends, but really, there can be only one. If it came down to it, you could do without any of the others because she has and always will be your non-sexual life partner. She has put on the hat of all the above friendship roles for you at one point or another, and will do it again when needed. She’s the one who will be your Maid of Honor, your child’s Godmother, and the girl you’ll sip sweet tea with while playing cards at 80 years old. Hold on tight, because best friends like her don’t come around often, and she is irreplaceable..
Nice Move271
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ChampagneShowers
Champagne Showers is a contributing writer for TSM. She is your typical Northern Diva. If curse words, sexual content, and drug use offend you, then bless your heart. CS will continue living the life you're too scared to live. email her at: champagne_showers@outlook.com
@ChampShowersTSM
