Whether it was freaking about that girl that he was definitely checking out, or setting his car on fire, something about relationships make us crazy. Hopefully, they are isolated incidents that are more or less justified. Some girls, however, fall into a specific girlfriend mold. And while some (such as caring, supportive, wife-material, etc) can be a good thing, some are the fucking nightmares. Here are a few of the not-so-desired girlfriend types. You know, the reasons why guys are scared to commit?
1.The Chameleon
This girl does not have a single original thought in her body. She changes her music taste, fashion sense, political views — literally EVERYTHING to match her guy. She will study him to discover his ideal perfect girl, then mold into it. Usually, once he’s in love with her fake persona, she will start to sprinkle her identity back in. She’ll start to admit things like mayyyyybe she doesn’t love his favorite football team as much as she lead on, or maybe she straight up hates that *adorable* game he plays with his friends. You know, where he’ll rate other girls right in front of her? Yeah, she’s not actually cool with it. Soon he’ll discover she’s nothing like the girl he met and dump her, and she’ll cry about how all guys are dicks.
2.The Mom
She straight up takes care of him. She claims she loves spoiling him, so she will regularly cook him food and take him shopping. But then things get a little weird. She will do his laundry and clean his room when she doesn’t even live with him. She thinks it’s okay to argue with his roommates about their messy habits and complains that she HAS to clean up after all of them. While she might just seem tidy and helpful, she’s really just controlling. She’ll play it off like it’s such a burden helping him pack for the trip she planned for them, but in reality, she would never allow him to wear an outfit she did not pick out for him. His roommates love her at first, too, because of the constant baked goods and washed dishes. But they will soon realize she is turning their bachelor pad into their parent’s house. Once they no longer feel comfortable scratching their balls on their own couch, all bets are off.
3.The Bragger
This girl does not love her boyfriend, she loves relationships. She lives for instilling jealousy into her friend’s hearts by shoving all the “sooo cuuuteeee” things he’s done for her in their faces. He is basically just a prop for her social media accounts and she WILL force him to pose with the flowers he got her until she gets the perfect shot. There is not a single nice thing he can do for her without her documenting it. She will also get unreasonably mad if his gesture was not enough to rack in the amount of likes she wanted. Or, God forbid, someone else’s boyfriend did something better.
4.The Disappearing Act
This is one that we all know too well. A close friend gets a boyfriend and is suddenly never to be seen or heard from again. She will occasionally shoot you a text apologizing for being M.I.A. and promise to catch up with coffee, but will never come through. It is physically impossible for her to leave his side and when he “ditches” her to hang out with his buddies, she will come to you bitching and moaning looking for comfort. This is the only time you will get with her. If by some miracle you get her to come out for girl’s night, she will have her hands glued to her phone. She will only contribute to the conversation when she can talk about him. Odds are she will also leave early.
5.Two-Faced
Unlike the chameleon, this girl’s personality does not change based on her man. Instead, she has to completely separate lives: single and dating. While single, she is life of the party. She can be found at a local bar, dancing on tables and flirting her way to free drinks. She is a wild card and would never turn down a challenge. But when she gets wifed up, she suddenly becomes the most boring person you know. She doesn’t drink, she doesn’t go out, and she stops having any type of fun. Nightlife ceases to exist when she has a man on her arm. She used to beg you to go to buck night, but is now suddenly too tired to do anything but stay home and watch Netflix. As soon as she’s single again, however, she becomes the party animal once again. The cycle never ends.
6.The Complainer
You begin to wonder if this girl even likes her boyfriend, because she sure doesn’t act like it. Literally everything he does pisses her off and you cannot remember the last time she said something nice about him. She hates his haircut, she hates his friends, she hates the way he chews — but she is still dating him. When questioned why, she says she’s so in love with him, and that they’re “just going through a rough patch.” But you swear that this “rough patch” has been the last 80 percent of their relationship. She avoids him and his calls at all times and you are somehow forced into being her excuse for ditching him, again. Their relationship is a sad, drawn out breakup from the start.
7.The Honeymooner
This girl LOVES her boyfriend and needs everyone to know it. They’ve only known each other for a month? Doesn’t matter, it was love at first sight. She’s happy and excited which is great, but also annoying as hell. The only time her mouth isn’t being used to talk about how great he is, it’s being used to give him head. Seriously, you begin to worry that her vagina will permanently close up to avoid the unnecessary amount of sex she’s having. But the worst part? She is so blinded by *love* that she refuses to see the bad. Like the way he subtly puts her down or doesn’t compromise. When they inevitably split she’ll be a wreck, and you’re forced to wait for the ticking time bomb to explode.
8.The Bitch
This is the actual worst. She seemed like such a sweet girl who fell in love. At the beginning of the relationship, everything he did was adorable to her. She built up his confidence and made him feel as if he was king. But then slowly she started to notice things that could be improved. Of course it’s important to help your significant other be the best he can be, but she became borderline abusive. Instead of encouraging his muscle gain, she insults him for being small. She will scream at him for little things and belittle him. She has stopped trying to build him up and has instead started to beat him down. If he is your friend, this is a painful thing to witness.
The only good thing about these insane bitches, however, is that make the rest of us look better. Suddenly crying because he got you the wrong colored flowers doesn’t seem too bad, huh?.
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Blue-eyed-blondie
Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at blue.eyed.blondie.tsm@gmail.com EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.
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