The End-All Be-All Guide To Dorm Sex For Freshmen


Let’s get really real for a second — do not take dorm sex for granted. You only get four years of college to have the best (and hopefully sluttiest) time of your life, and only 25 percent of that time is spent in the magical almost-adult world that is dorm living. There are so many new and exciting places to get down and dirty, and so many new guys (and girls, I suggest not knocking it till you try it) to explore it all with. But be cautious, some places and people you should avoid at all cost. But have no fear, if you follow these easy tips you won’t get athlete’s foot in a surprising place. Probably.

DO:Set up SPECIFIC rules with your new roomie.
As in, like, minute one. My freshmen year boyfriend would always draw an X on his door while we were getting busy so his roommate knew not to interrupt. It’s important to acknowledge that some people don’t care if you bring a guy back, so long as you don’t wake them up. And other people, well, they get uncomfortable with you cuddling while the in the room. Even if it might seem “so annoying” and “unfair” because it’s your room, it’s their room, too. So respect their boundaries, and especially don’t be a hypocrite. If they say to wait till they’re AWOL, then ask them to give you some private time and respect their space. And if you ask them to hold off on the penetration while they’re present, don’t do it yourself because they said they don’t care. Everybody needs to play by the same rules.

DON’T: Commit floor incest.
Okay, hear me out. College is your time to be free and discover yourself, sure. But even if you couldn’t give a single fuck about what people think about you, once something gets out, it can never be reversed. And it’s not until your business becomes public knowledge that you discover you really would have had it stay private. So get to know your dorm family as friends first, then decide if you have to have more than one guy per floor. People seriously won’t care so long as they know you as a person, but letting your thirst potentially cause drama before you establish friendship is just asking to be the center of attention — and not in a good way.

DO: Get tested.
Like, very frequently. Sure it can be uncomfortable to go to the health center and nerve racking to wait on test results, but responsibility is associated with having a good time. Keep yourself safe. Plus, you’ll get over the embarrassment of waiting in the health center to get tested within a week (which really shouldn’t be embarrassing tbh), but you’re guaranteed to have a harder time living down the nickname “Chlamydia Kristen” after you infect a few people.

DON’T: Have sex in the common areas.
Use your discretion here. Sure a lot of people see sneaking into the shower to be a rite of passage, but that’s more because that area gets cleaned daily. However, the couches in the study area or in the rec room are honestly a little gross. Besides the fact that THOUSANDS of people have already touched those surfaces, many people are going to in the future. The “thrill” of public sex can still be achieved without disrespecting everyone else in your dorm by putting your bare ass where it doesn’t belong.

DO: Try to keep sex limited to your bed or a boyfriend’s bed.
Sure it can be annoying to your roommate that you prefer to keep your private time in your private space, but just keep adhering to her rules and you should be good. Why limit yourself? Because the best part about having sex in your bed is that you know it’s clean. Do you know the last time that guy washed his sheets was? Never. And while your boyfriend might be just as repulsive in his hygiene practices, at least you know there’s not a constant stream of randoms getting their scent on his comforter. Seriously, my regular hookup down the hall wouldn’t even put sheets on his bed because he hated making his bed. That meant everything went straight on the mattress. There’s no way to feel clean after sleeping in that kind of cesspool.

DON’T: Try to force cuddling when it’s uncomfortable.
I know so many girls who forced a guy to snuggle all night just to complain that it was so uncomfortable. She hated it, the guy hated her for making her doing it (and was more likely to ghost knowing that a sleepless night is conditional to sex), and I hated hearing about it. The truth is XL twin beds aren’t even big enough to fit one person comfortably, let alone two. If you’re lucky enough to find a guy who can spoon you without elbowing you in the neck and snoring loudly into your ear, then cling to his dick for dear life. Otherwise, accept that cuddling should be kept strictly as a post coitus affair. Other than that, sleeping with your stuffed animals and body pillow is the way to go.

DO: Masturbate.
For whatever reason, having sex is praised in college but masturbation still has a bit of stigma. Well, fuck that. Get to know yourself and give yourself some tender lovin’. Nine out of ten times whatever freshman boy you grace with the gift of your vagina is making uneducated guesses as to what feels good to females. He will appreciate you helping him get you off, plus the next girl will appreciate you too. Besides, even if he’s hopeless, at least you can finish the job yourself, right?

DON’T: Announce your sexcapades to the world.
We get it, you had sex. Tell your friends the juicy details. Beam with pride when he praises your mediocre skills. But other than that, keep it your business. The truth is, no one is impressed with a girl who can have a lot of sex because any girl can have a lot of sex. I’m not slut shaming. I love sex. Have as much sex as you want, just don’t be obnoxious. If you tend to scream in the sack, learn to bite a pillow. Close your window as to not give passersby a show, and don’t let your stories (especially with photographic evidence) get told on the Yak. Not only will you have to explain to standards why everyone knows the details of your latest hookup, but it’s also never fun to explain why there are photos circulating of you and a stripper in a compromising position, trust.

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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