I’m not going to preface this with the usual “I love Harry Potter, I have a deathly hallows tattoo, I’m a Ravenclaw, blah blah blah” opening. I can’t bullshit with etiquette right now. Something was just revealed, something shocking, something life changing, something slightly disturbing that all Harry Potter fans must be aware of.
You know “Fantastic Beasts”? The series that is taking place before Harry Potter in America, written by J.K. Rowling? Of course you do, otherwise you wouldn’t have clicked on this and you would probably be reading something much less nerdy.
Anyways, this new series (of three movies to be exact) is set to be released in November, and already what we know has sent us into a frenzy. First, we found out that In America non-magic folks aren’t called “muggles” but are called “No-Maj.” It was annoying and upsetting but whatever. It made sense and we understood. Then the trailer came out and all was forgiven at the mention of Hogwarts, Dumbledore, and the musical notes of the original theme song.
And then, Federico Ian fucking Cervantez came along, and caused mass chaos for all of us.
According to Daily Mail, the internet hacker was doing whatever it is that hackers do and found a new quiz that was being made for the official HP site (that’s still under construction). The quiz was the classic sorting quiz we’ve been taking for years. The only difference? The houses.
Unlike the normal lion, eagle, badger, and snake houses we were used to these four houses were different. They were named after American folklore. They were houses from a different school. In a different country.
They are the houses that American boys and girls are sorted into. Fuck us, right?
According to the article, the four houses include:
• Horned Serpent — “A dragon-like serpents with horns and long teeth.”
• Wampus — “A cat-like creature described as some kind of fearsome variation of a cougar”
• Thunderbird — “A very large bird, capable of generating storms and thunder as it flies.” (Yes. Like in fucking “Grease.”)
• Pukwudgie — “A two-to-three-feet tall and human-shaped, but with a larger nose, ears, and fingers and smooth, grey skin that sometimes glows.”
First, we don’t get to go to Hogwarts. Then we don’t get to call people “muggles.” Now we don’t get to be sorted into our beloved houses? I love you, J.K. but stop taking my childhood away, okay?.
[via Daily Mail]
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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