You know what’s annoying? Studying for finals. Every year around this time, you know that all of the happiness in your life is going to cease to exist. The days of getting drunk at shitty bars, texting your ex, and taking disgusting shots from boys you have absolutely no interest in are over, and you’re going to hate life. But despite the fact that it happens every year, you seem surprised as the notes and coffee cups pile up around you.
And so, as the final few weeks of the semester make you want to die, I’ve come up with a way to make it a little less painful. For those nights when you need to study but also need to get wasted, I give you: the finals drinking game. Sure it might not help you get the best grades but honestly? You wouldn’t have been reading this if you weren’t already planning on avoiding responsibly. At least this way you have a book open. Maybe.
- You stalk your ex on Facebook. Back to 2012. When you dated for four months.
Take a sip.
- You stalk your boyfriend’s ex on every form of social media ever.
Chug the rest of your drunk.
- You stalk any ex. Any of them.
Shots. It’s time to take shots.
- You find yourself 72+ weeks deep into someone’s Instagram who you’ve never actually met.
Open a bottle of wine. Drink a glass. Repeat until you get the stalking out of your system. So you know, never.
- Texted your friend about literally anything at all?
Take a sip for every minute you waste.
- Watched an episode of some dumb show on Netflix instead of looking at the notes you were going to review?
Finish your drink by the end of the episode. Then repeat if you want to fail at life.
- Finally read a chapter you should have read two months ago.
Drink some water. You’re on a roll now. Don’t waste this time on alcohol.
- Texted the hot guy in your class to see if he wants to study?
Open up some liquor. Anything cheap and painful will do. Take a shot.
- He turned you down?
Take a few more. Like you didn’t know this was coming.
- Stalked your friend back to 2007 and commented on something embarrassing so it would resurface on everyone’s timelines?
You’re probably somewhat tipsy. Finish the rest of your drink and accept a drunken night.
- Someone stalked you back to 2007 and made a picture of you in braces with a horrible banged haircut resurface?
Get dressed. Look hot. Go out. Take new pictures. This is more important than finals.
- Finally take the plastic wrap off of a book.
Champagne! Champagne for everyone!
- Calculate the minimum test score needed to pass.
Shotgun a beer. Hey, a least you learned something in college, right?
- Consider trading sexual favors for a passing grade.
Wa-ter-fall! Wa-ter-fall! Wa-ter-fall!
- Exit out of the internet. Log out of Netflix. Delete all distracting apps.
Red wine it is, because it’s officially a sad, sad time in your life.
Cheers to passing finals, graduating college, and someday being able to afford the good alcohol..