If your college experience is anything like mine, you spend a solid four years (or five, no judgment) flirting with the most dangerously fun version of yourself you’ve ever known. Between all of the crazy, alcohol-fueled stories, however, it’s very easy to forget that half of your hijinks were actually, literally illegal. Be it consuming alcohol while underage (pshhh, who hasn’t), snatching composites (technically theft), streaking on the quad (public indecency has never looked so good) or ingesting ~something~ (it’s a plant, it’s fine), at some point it probably hit you that if you weren’t so pretty and sneaky, some of this stuff could actually land you in hot water with the law.
11:00 a.m. to noon-ish the day after
You wake up, hopefully in your own bed, and are either instantly hungover, or still drunk. Through the haze of memories, you vaguely recall doing something that is normally so far out of your comfort range that you could more easily see yourself wearing Crocs in public than doing what you apparently did. Mild/major panic starts at this stage, depending on how drunk you are and how calmly you react to the memory of yourself doing something that would land you a cast position in Orange is the New Black. If you’re not home, get home and grab your favorite hangover cure — you’ve just figured out that this will be a long day.
12 p.m. to 3 p.m.
Time to delete any and all evidence of last night. Now is the time to put those excellent stalking skills to work — search Snapchat, Instagram, and GroupMe for any evidence of last night’s shenanigans and get rid of it all. Don’t be above bribing your sisters to delete incriminating evidence as well. I know Jess looks sooooo skinny in that snap of you two in the fountain, but trespassing is trespassing, girl. Unless you’re incredibly unlucky, nothing should be on Facebook — far too many adults know how to use it these days, and let’s face it, if your mamma hasn’t gotten a phone call yet, no evidence is actually on there. Feel free to reward yourself with a coffee (with Baileys or without) once you’re done.
3+ hours after that
At this juncture of the day, people are starting to hear all of the good stories from last night, and most of them will probably involve yours truly. If you didn’t mess up too badly, feel free to take credit and live up your new status as the hottest story from the weekend. If you really did something that ought not to be shared with the general public, deny, deny, deny, baby. Nobody with half a brain will believe you, of course, but the fact that your statement is out there should diffuse at least a little liability. If you’re going with the innocent defense, make sure that your story is identical across the board- — there’s nothing like people starting to believe that it wasn’t you, only to hear that it was from your pledge sister. Hold out, and the whole situation will remain a ‘mystery’ long enough for everyone to get bored.
24 hours after
At this point, if nobody official has come investigating yet, it’s obvious that they’re not going to. Feel free to celebrate your newfound feeling of relief with a drink or 12 as soon as the dust settles. You deserve it. After all, you’ve yet again turned a drunken night out into an epic story with little to no consequences. Nights like these will be the stories you tell your great-grandlittles — now go make more of them! .