Nationals just retweeted me, so I’m pretty much famous. TSM.

The through-the-sunglasses “I see you ogling me but you’ll never know if I’m reciprocating” stare down. TSM.

The “please be distracted by how cute I am and don’t realize it isn’t me on that ID” smile you shoot the bouncer. TSM.

Honey, peplum? I’m sorry, but your hips don’t lie. TSM.

I have a love/hate relationship with my lack of relationship. TSM.

Never directing the F-word at someone you care about. I am, of course, referring to “fat.” TSM.

Talking about what an asshole he is while simultaneously buying uncomfortable panties online because you think he’ll like them. TSM.

Donating clothes to charity and rewarding yourself with a shopping spree. TSM.

“Do crafts, not drugs.” -Kitty Foreman. TSM.

Couples can keep Christmas, NYE, and Valentine’s Day. I’d much rather have spring break, Greek Week, and summer. TSM.