Part of my first comment touches on this, when you are in a situation like this, sometimes you become desensitized to what is truly happening, or “used” to it. However another reason may be something that was not touched on, those of us simply reading the article do not know this guy, or girl, and part of the reason someone will choose to go back is out of fear. I’m not saying this is the case, because as you pointed out they seemed like good enough friends that he wouldn’t have stopped her if she tried to get up and leave, however when you know so much about someone the fear of what you don’t know, or worse what you do know, is present especially if even that one time, they ignored what you said, or tried to say. So who is to say that if she had tried to leave, that a different side of him wouldn’t have suddenly came out? Either way, something was taken from this author, something she did not want to give up.
The number of times does not matter, and sometimes you merely see the good in people and not the pain they cause you. It’s like being blinded by happiness, even if it isn’t real happiness. I think that is the reason why this author kept choosing to be in this situation. Since as she pointed out, she enjoyed being with him, and spending time with him; that is what guided her choice to continue to have contact, or want contact with him. The good out-weighed the bad, until her scale tipped.
All of this is mere speculation as is most of what these comments are attempting to point out. It is all what we seem to perceive and those of us who view this situation one way, may have had similar experiences or may just be trying to understand the different perspectives that have been presented through all these comments.
I cannot simply sit and ignore both this article or these comments. As someone who was sexually assaulted multiple times, I can’t help but read this article and have flashbacks to one of the times it happened. It was very similar to this, and the guy was one of my best friends. Like the author of this article I continued to hang out with him after it all happened, partly because I was in denial and partly because I was still dating someone, who while under the influence of substances would force himself on me. I never thought of it as rape because I was completely numb to the idea of having a forced sexual encounter with another person. I thought it would never happen again and even when I finally got out of my abusive relationship, I continued to hang out with my friend, until it happened again, and this time it hit me hard. I had said I did not want to and had told him to stop trying, he did not listen, and he told me I “wanted it,” to this day I have nightmares and flashbacks to my abusive relationship and from my friend pushing himself on me. It has broken me down completely and made me very cautious of men in general. I prefer to remember the times I was held down, while fighting and screaming to get away, because at least with those times (yes, times) I didn’t know the guys who had decided I would be their next lay. With my friend, and relationship, those were both people I had trusted completely, someone who would never hurt me, or force me to do something; Someone who SHOULD have cared about me, and SHOULD have listened, yet they chose not to.
So to all you saying this is not rape, you are so unbelievably wrong, this is rape. It can and will hurt you and break you down just like any other sexual assault. Stop assuming that there is only one form of sexual assault because it does not take being held down, drugged, or being attacked by someone who is just a rapist for your assault to qualify. Just because it seems like the choice is there, it really isn’t and until you are in that situation, you will never understand what it’s like to trust someone to the point where they can do this to you repeatedly, and think it’s okay. It takes a great deal of courage to come out and admit that what happened to you is what it is, so don’t you dare say it is anything less. An assault, is an assault, whether it be subtle or violent.
Part of my first comment touches on this, when you are in a situation like this, sometimes you become desensitized to what is truly happening, or “used” to it. However another reason may be something that was not touched on, those of us simply reading the article do not know this guy, or girl, and part of the reason someone will choose to go back is out of fear. I’m not saying this is the case, because as you pointed out they seemed like good enough friends that he wouldn’t have stopped her if she tried to get up and leave, however when you know so much about someone the fear of what you don’t know, or worse what you do know, is present especially if even that one time, they ignored what you said, or tried to say. So who is to say that if she had tried to leave, that a different side of him wouldn’t have suddenly came out? Either way, something was taken from this author, something she did not want to give up.
The number of times does not matter, and sometimes you merely see the good in people and not the pain they cause you. It’s like being blinded by happiness, even if it isn’t real happiness. I think that is the reason why this author kept choosing to be in this situation. Since as she pointed out, she enjoyed being with him, and spending time with him; that is what guided her choice to continue to have contact, or want contact with him. The good out-weighed the bad, until her scale tipped.
All of this is mere speculation as is most of what these comments are attempting to point out. It is all what we seem to perceive and those of us who view this situation one way, may have had similar experiences or may just be trying to understand the different perspectives that have been presented through all these comments.
I cannot simply sit and ignore both this article or these comments. As someone who was sexually assaulted multiple times, I can’t help but read this article and have flashbacks to one of the times it happened. It was very similar to this, and the guy was one of my best friends. Like the author of this article I continued to hang out with him after it all happened, partly because I was in denial and partly because I was still dating someone, who while under the influence of substances would force himself on me. I never thought of it as rape because I was completely numb to the idea of having a forced sexual encounter with another person. I thought it would never happen again and even when I finally got out of my abusive relationship, I continued to hang out with my friend, until it happened again, and this time it hit me hard. I had said I did not want to and had told him to stop trying, he did not listen, and he told me I “wanted it,” to this day I have nightmares and flashbacks to my abusive relationship and from my friend pushing himself on me. It has broken me down completely and made me very cautious of men in general. I prefer to remember the times I was held down, while fighting and screaming to get away, because at least with those times (yes, times) I didn’t know the guys who had decided I would be their next lay. With my friend, and relationship, those were both people I had trusted completely, someone who would never hurt me, or force me to do something; Someone who SHOULD have cared about me, and SHOULD have listened, yet they chose not to.
So to all you saying this is not rape, you are so unbelievably wrong, this is rape. It can and will hurt you and break you down just like any other sexual assault. Stop assuming that there is only one form of sexual assault because it does not take being held down, drugged, or being attacked by someone who is just a rapist for your assault to qualify. Just because it seems like the choice is there, it really isn’t and until you are in that situation, you will never understand what it’s like to trust someone to the point where they can do this to you repeatedly, and think it’s okay. It takes a great deal of courage to come out and admit that what happened to you is what it is, so don’t you dare say it is anything less. An assault, is an assault, whether it be subtle or violent.