We Need To Start Being More Creative With Our Insults

We Need To Start Being More Creative With Our Insults

To many (if not most) of us, fighting is done in the shadows. A subtweet here, a side-eye there. Which, for the most part, we’ve all learned how to perfect. But then it happens.

One night, after one too many shots, after you see her, doing something that is just so her, you finally get the lady balls to be confrontational. Armed with your squad, you walk right up to the girl you hate. The room stills, all eyes are on you. You can ruin this girl’s entire existence with your next utterance…but you decide to go with “bitch.”

I’m not trying to suggest you go all Bad Girl’s Club on her ass, because seriously don’t. Fist fighting is tacky and you will end up on youtube dealing with the shame and disappointment from both your parents and, worse, you standards chair. What I am saying, however, is that all of that anticipation, all of the hype, and you can’t think of anything more clever or personal than “bitch”? That’s like blue balls for drama. Not only is it not really an insult anymore (the world decided that when we all took Kimye’s side over Taylor), but honestly it’s just so lazy.

No, Jennifer. You did not just wreck her life up by calling her a “slut,” “bitch,” even “cunt.” Because odds are, her best friends call her that. Odds are she calls herself that.

Hear me out. If you bring up that one time her formal date ditched her and she had a psycho bitch freakout complete with tears, that shit stings. Or, if you don’t have some embarrassing shit on her, dig into her insecurities. And no, calling her fat is not digging into her insecurities. Do something specific to her, something you know that she frequently tries to cover.

Treat your fights like a rap-battle. Except you actually somewhat get to prepare. You know shit about her. The things that she has done to make your cheeks hot with anger. The shit she has said that has made you talk shit for hours on end. Because if after all of that negativity and annoyance, you still can’t think of anything worse to call her than “bitch,” I personally don’t believe you’re actually angry enough to talk shit. Odds are, if it’s just her that annoys you, or some petty shit that you feel foolish admitting is the reason you hate her, then you need to be the bigger person and let it go.

If you can think of a colorful and creative diss, however, embrace your inner monster and fuck her up. Please. Because this real life bullshit is not as entertaining as it should be.

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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