There are two things most college-aged men hold near and dear to their hearts: alcohol and sex. I know, that statement is a little unfair, because I could argue that I love drunken sloppy “wham-bam in the clam” as well. But here’s the key difference: if I down a bottle (or two) of Barefoot with the intention of getting sexually disappointed I am almost 100 percent certain that it will happen. The only reason as to why it would not is because I either cried enough to scare the guy away or got drunk enough to pass out on my kitchen floor still clutching a grilled cheese. But you better believe that if I am responsive enough to get my clothes off (maybe with a little help), then I am getting dicked down.
The only problem is when the dick is not as down as the guy. Or maybe it’s too down. It’s like those drinking and driving ads: no one thinks it will happen to them. Well for some unknown reason, college girls live under the illusion that the lucky boy they brought home with them will have a perfectly functioning dick 100 percent of the time. This is just statistically impossible. This is how to handle the whisky dick situation with grace.
1. Don’t Panic
Guys put their entire worth into the little head downstairs. Which means that when he finishes too quickly or fails to satisfy his partner, it hits him hard. So when he is presented with a twenty-something dime piece who is laying on her back with her legs spread wide and his little guy is not ready to report for duty, well, he feels as if it’s a dishonor on his entire male lineage. This is perhaps, his most vulnerable moment. So what do girls do? We make it about ourselves. That’s right, instead of understanding that this is literally a side effect of binge drinking, we start asking if he thinks we’re ugly or fat. We panic. If there was any shot of him wanting to get past this, it is gone the moment you make him feel guilty. Do you really think he’s hoping for whiskey dick? Of course not! And if he was, well then you probably just sucked from the beginning.
2. Weigh Your Options
Now that you’ve swallowed (hehe) your pride, it’s time to assess the situation. This is going to end in one of two ways: either you’re getting laid, or you’re not. Now, there are pros and cons to both. If you decide to cut your losses and try again another night, then you get to be cuddled, which is always nice. But you also miss out on any hope of an orgasm. Sure, you might hope he’ll take one for the team and give you some oral, but do you really think it’s fair to ask when you refuse to try and get him hard? And if you do try, you have to be prepared to be let down. Even though we know that his limp noodle has nothing to do with our looks, it’s still not fun to give it all you got just to be disappointed.
3. Respect His Choice
If you do decide to still try and get it in, make sure he’s cool with that. Maybe he’s embarrassed. Maybe he just wants to cuddle, too. Maybe he’s just really over it by now. Honestly, he might be certain that it just cannot happen that night. Settle for a massage and some Netflix, and raincheck on the orgasms.
4. Get That Blood Flowing
Assuming you both have decided that you want to give it a try, here’s the tricky part. Nothing will turn you off faster than looking at a limp dick. So start slow. Kiss his neck, bite his ears, caress his shoulders. Everything you would normally do but just a little more. Have him use his fingers on you and moan in his ear. Start teasing his hip bones and use your forearm to dick-status checks. Once he has, at least, partial blood flow it’s time to take one for the team and use your mouth. If you’re severely against giving a beej to a guy who’s not bursting full of blood, I don’t blame you. But hey, it’s your orgasm. Not mine.
5. Get ~Bizzay~
Here it is. The big finale. The moment you’ve worked so hard for. Aaaaaand it’s over. Isn’t it funny how it can take guys so long to get it up while drunk but still only takes them thirty seconds to finish? Well, at least you got what you wanted. And hell, maybe his performance wasn’t half bad. Either way, go wash the taste of balls out of your mouth and give yourself a pat on the back (or the vagina, if his subpar performance didn’t quite do it for you). You brought his penis back from the dead — and that’s something to be damn proud of..
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Blue-eyed-blondie
Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at blue.eyed.blondie.tsm@gmail.com EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.
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