What To Do When You Don’t Get The Big (Or Little) You Wanted

Big Little

Ah, don’t you just love this big/little time of the year? The passive-aggressive coffee dates. The absurd amount of gifts. The constant texting and lady flirting. The addition of a little to an established family unit can be a weird and challenging time filled with awkwardness, adjustments, and unrealized expectations. This is especially true for those of us who find ourselves in big/little pairs that we never would have picked as our first choice. Or even our second. Or third. Or forty-fifth. You see where I’m going with this, right?

The gist is this: you (as a big or little) now have a brand new person in your life that in theory you should love instantly. But in reality? You actually know nothing about her. Despite the flirting, the girl you wanted went to someone else. And you? You’ve become the victim of an arranged sorority marriage.

Maybe you cried when you found out. Maybe you yelled at your new member educator when she told you who your new little was over the phone. Maybe your face visibly fell at big/little reveal when you saw who your new mentor was. Maybe you knew that you had a one-to-one match with your dream big or little and can’t believe that the cruel sorority Gods screwed you over in such a heartless and public manner.

But maybe, just maybe, you need to deal. It’s not the end of the world. Not by a long shot. The end of the world will have, like, fire and brimstone, not glitter and Mod Podge. So in that spirit, here are a few things to keep in mind.

Your new big/little is a person who exists not solely for the purpose of being in your family.

That girl you’re crying about? Yeah, she’s still a human being. The way you’re behaving and the thoughts you’re having about her are pretty freaking rude. She doesn’t deserve to have your anger or disappointment about the match projected on to her full-throttle. This is nobody’s “fault.” Well except the new member educator who decided to ruin your life. But it’s not your new family member’s. So don’t start associating her with feelings of sadness or disappointment.

It’s not like you know each other all that well, anyway.

This may initially be what you’re upset about, but for all you know she’s actually awesome. Since you’re not that close, you have the really exciting opportunity to get to know all about her, however long it takes. She may not have initially been your favorite girl in the sorority, but sometimes people take a little while to grow on you. Besides, how well did you know that girl you were obsessed with anyways? You met her a month ago. Come on.

And who’s to say that your preferred matches would be much better.

Look, I get it. Your top choice loves Parks and Recreation and you love Parks and Recreation too and you already had a hilarious inside joke about it. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that you have anything else in common. Maybe that’s actually the only thing would have had to bond over and months from now your relationship wouldn’t have progressed. You just don’t know, so don’t put your preferred matches on a pedestal. It makes it impossible for your actual big or little to live up to your unrealistic, idealized standards.

It’s not all about you.

The match system is used in big/little pairings because it works. The key is that a majority of girls will be overall pleased with their matches. Instead of half the girls being one-to-one and the other half being completely random and therefore hate everyone. Being utilitarian is effective, but potentially harsh. You’re part of a larger group now and sometimes that means not always agreeing with how things are run. Realize that this wasn’t done as a personal vendetta against you (unless you’ve stolen someone’s boyfriend or wore the same dress to formal as an exec member), and that this is just the nature of the system. Shake it the eff off.

So, long story short: don’t be a dick. You have years together with your big or little. Regardless of how you feel now, there’s a very good chance you’ll be getting drunk together watching Friday Bride-Day on TLC in the near future.

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I came for the wine, but I stayed for the complimentary appetizer sampler plate.

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