What Type of Sex You’ll Have on Valentine’s Day According to Your Lingerie


Ah, Valentine’s Day. Half of the nation is filled with nervous excitement and love while the other half makes snide bitter remarks while crying into a tub of ice cream. And then there’s that small minority who don’t celebrate, claiming that it’s misogynistic and capitalistic… as if that’s a bad thing (JK).

But for those of us who are irrationally invested in Valentine’s Day, there are a few things to look forward to; the flowers, the overpriced dinner, the romantic carriage rides, and then the good stuff. I’m talking about when lights are out and the clothes are off and us girls dress up our bodies in sheer fabrics that cost more than the date itself. But what type of lingerie we pick is no simple process. What attire we choose to grace our boyfriend (or lucky fuck buddy) with sets the stage for the type of sex that the night will end in. Choose wisely.

1. Black Lacy Set, Complete With Garter

You’ll probably start with a striptease, just to be admired while giggling. Most likely sex will happen with as much of your outfit still on because, let’s face it, you look too fucking hot to take it off. In an effort to keep with the “sexy and in control” look you will start off on top. But because a) your boobs are being pushed up into your throat and b) that shit is tiring, this will soon become a lost cause. So you’ll end up in doggy letting him hit it from behind.

2. Matching Set You Already Own/He’s Already Seen You In

You have probably been dating for a while, and hell this might even be just yet ANOTHER Valentine’s Day with this kid, but where was the effort? Most likely end up having sex on the couch while Netflix starts the fifth season of the show you two started watching last semester. It’s comfortable, it’s drama free, but it’s also just a normal night. Except this time you shaved. Maybe.

3. Edible Panties

No. You don’t get to have sex. Why? Because you’ll be taking care of the yeast infection you obtained from wearing these. Start over and try again.

4. Pink/Red Lacy Set from Victoria’s Secret

You will not have sex, you will *make love.* With the lights on. While staring lovingly into each other’s eyes. Neither of you will achieve orgasm.

5. Crotchless Panties

I’m going to go ahead and assume that if he could talk you into wearing these monstrosities, you’ll probably end up doing anal. Best of luck. My advice is to pop a Xanax and forget the night ever happened.

6. Nothing But Whipped Cream

This will be a fun night! It’s daring and bold while not crossing over into that weird place. This sex will begin with lots of oral for both of you and excited laughter. Most likely you know the guy pretty well so it won’t be awkward, but still new enough that things haven’t gotten stale in your relationship. The sex itself will be passionate and include MANY different positions, and you will both agree to add this into your routine.

7. Nothing At All

This could go one of two ways. Either you’re out at a party on V-day and desperate to feel sultry, or you’re a down to business type of girl. If it’s the first, go get ‘em, tiger. But if it’s the second, then I have mad respect for you. You know what Valentine’s Day is really about — not the chocolate or the flowers, but the savage boning. You don’t need to pay half your rent on an outfit that he’ll rip off in less than four seconds to prove you’re a freak. You’re confident with what you’re working with. Keep doing you.

8. Comfy Boy Shorts

The name of the game is masturbation. Instead of a date, you’ll be looking up videos of our boy Bieber while The Notebook plays in the background. You’ll be giving your imagination, and your vibrator, a real work out. While you might feel sad, lonely and/or pathetic, take solace in the fact that you are the only one guaranteed to get off tonight. So who’s the real winner?

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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