What Your Birthday Instagram Says About You


Your birthday is a big deal. Not only can you demand that everyone treat you like the princess that you are, but it’s the perfect excuse to drink too much, and act as slutty, bitchy and messy as you want… and no one is allowed to complain. The cherry on top is that the Instagram you post to commemorate the most important day of the year will give you more likes and attention from people you don’t even care enough about to have physically with you on your special day! What more could a girl ask for!

However, what type of Instagram picture you post on your special day reveals a lot about you.

Posing with birthday balloons
You’re basic, and you’re ok with people thinking that. The truth of the matter is, you know how Instagram works. When people are scrolling through their feeds the next morning, hungover, and barely paying attention, they might mistake a photo of you, alone, looking like a hoe, for just an average Saturday night. The average Saturday night doesn’t deserve at least 50 more likes than a regular post. There’s only one way to ensure that everyone knows it’s your birthday (which will be sure to grant you with quite possibly the most low-maintenance gift of all: a like) and that is to include the damn number balloons.

A provocative dress
It’s your day, and you can do whatever you goddam want to. You’re pretty sure that you could go to the bar wearing literally nothing but your birthday sash, and people would still accept it, because it’s your birthday. Besides, what clearer way is there to indicate to all of the men in the immediate area that you’re now one year older and looking for birthday sex than a glittery, hot pink, tight dress with a v-neck down to your belly button? Who cares that it’s a Tuesday? Who cares that you’re in a student bar and the girl next to you is wearing a hoodie? It’s your night and it’s about you anyway.

With your parents
There’s a good chance that you have your mom on Instagram. There’s also a good chance that she finally got you the car that you’ve been a brat about for the past few months. ~You just love them so much.~ When people see this post, they’re going to commend you for what a good, sweet, caring daughter you are. There aren’t many girls who would delay their birthday party by a day so they can go out to an insanely expensive dinner with their parents (who pick up the bill and bite their tongues on a fourth drink order). But hey, that’s just the kind of person that you are!

Just your present
You thrive off of people hating you. You revel in the idea that Sandra probably sent a screenshot of your post to her group chat, and they’re all probably talking about how spoiled and conceited you are right this very minute. If you’ve got it, flaunt it. And that’s exactly what you plan to do with this new expensive piece of jewelry/designer bag/pony. Bonus points if you make an Instagram slideshow documenting all of the gifts that you got.

A selfie
Ok, so your birthday wasn’t everything that you expected it to be. Maybe you had to take an exam, or some other really important event took place on the same day, like a holiday or the season finale of “The Bachelor.” Regardless, you’re going to have to put on a brave face, and tell people that you actually wanted something “super low-key.” The only problem with this is that you have nothing to share with the rest of the world. There’s only one solution: slap on some glittery eyeshadow, take a selfie, caption something about your birthday, and just wait to get attention from your internet friends. Your internet friends won’t let you down.

With your boyfriend
He just makes your life so special… especially when he surprises you with that necklace that you emailed him a link to three weeks ago. And showed him at the mall. And told your friend to make sure he bought when you sent her to help him pick out your birthday gift. To think that you got lucky enough to find a man who was willing to buy you jewelry, invite all of the friends that you instructed him to invite to a “surprise” party, and drive across town to get your number balloons in pink (the local store only had silver)… and he was just happy when you bought yourself cute lingerie to wear on his birthday!

A big group shot
At first glance, this post makes you seem like a good person. Who cares that it was your special day? You just love all of your friends soooo much, and you are just feeling soooo fortunate to have them all there to celebrate with you. However, they’re all shitty people that you’re going to ignore for at least a week, because none of them reminded you to take cute pictures before you started drinking… and it’s besides the point that you started drinking at 11am. Remember on your birthday, Becky? I moved furniture around, just so that you could get the perfect shot. I can see now that this friendship does not go two ways. What kind of heartless bitch doesn’t feel guilty that her friend had to post a photo where you can barely see her $200 birthday dress?

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Hiding from my mother and standards, both of whom would disown me if they heard most of these stories. Aspiring law school student, with a chihuahua named Bruiser and a head of unnatural blonde hair. Email me your "crazy" stories or any mixed drink recipes that taste like juice, but have copious amounts of vodka in them at Watch the bitch behind these stories at:

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