The girl that you are rooting for in the race to become Mrs. Nick Viall actually says a lot about your personality. Chances are, you’re going to resonate with the girl that reminds you of yourself. While they’re competing for Nick’s heart, attention, and dick, you’re probably off channeling their flirting techniques on any guy who will give you the time of day. Personally, I’ve already prepared myself with a trench coat and a can of whipped cream for the next time I run into the guy I’m interested in.
Alexis, 23, aspiring dolphin trainer, Secaucus, NJ
You pride yourself on being funny, even if others don’t always agree. You mention that you have over 1,000 Twitter followers to pretty much everyone you meet and flirt with guys through memes. You were more than likely survived middle school with bad acne or a unibrow, which, besides coming in handy with a hilarious #TransformationTueaday Instagram, you credit to helping you develop your sense of humor.
Astrid, 26, plastic surgery office manager, Tampa, FL
You really value your looks; and you’re not even going to pretend that you get guys any other way. You’re not going to waste anyone’s time, bullshitting that the guy you went home with last night was into you because of your common interest in politics.
Christen, 25, wedding videographer, Tulsa, OK
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. You’re a great friend, and not much more than that. You would rather live vicariously though your friend’s love lives than your own. If you had to choose between gossip and sex, it would be a hard decision.
Corrine, 24, business owner, Miami, FL
You love being the center of attention… and what easier way to achieve that defending Corinne’s actions when your friends talk about “The Bachelor”? You probably idolized Paris Hilton in high school and have the TMZ app on the homepage of your phone (replace it with the TSM one instead!) You love to be called a bitch, and mention that you are one at least five times a day.
Danielle L., 27, small business owner, Los Angeles, CA
You’re honestly just rooting for Danielle L. to stick around on the show long enough for you to find a flaw in her. She’s uber-pretty, and manages to be publicly flirty with Nick while still being a great friend to all the girls. You can’t help but hate how perfect she seems, but also realize that she’s basically Bachelor-gold.
Elizabeth (“Liz”), 29, doula, Las Vegas, NV
You can’t help but tell the girl you see grinding with your ex at a party how small his dick is. You don’t care if it’s been a week, a month, or five years, you’ve memorized the faces, phone numbers and potentially the addresses of every guy who’s seen your boobs.
Jaimi, 28, chef, New Orleans, LA
If you’re rooting for Jaimi, there’s a chance that you may also be playing for the same team (lesbihonest). You tell people that you’re happy that they have “normal” girls on the show; however, I hate to break it to you, but an eyebrow notch is not normal.
Jasmine G., 29, pro basketball dancer, San Francisco, CA
You’re fiercely competitive, even in situations where you don’t need to be. You’re convinced that your past five ex-boyfriends are still madly in love with you (bonus points if you tell people that you feel “sorry” for their current girlfriends/wives). You consistently check to see the speed the girl on the treadmill beside you is running at, just so that you can be just a hair faster; and you feel better about yourself even though you had a shorter workout.
Josephine, 24, unemployed nurse, Santa Cruz, CA
You’re crazy, and have come to terms with it. Honestly you’re just happy to see that someone in the house is like you, since you recognize how full-blown insane you would become if you were forced to live, and be friendly with, a house full of girls who are dating the same guy as you.
Rachel, 31, attorney, Dallas, TX
Brains before boys. You know you’re intimidating, and frankly DGAF. You know that Rachel is a reasonable, good choice for Nick; so you can’t help but roll your eyes every time Nick wastes his time with girls like Corinne. Honestly, your life goal is to get into law school and be on the Bachelor, and become the modern day Elle Woods.
Raven, 25, fashion boutique owner, Hoxie, AR
You’re sweet and probably from a small town; and there isn’t much else gong on with you. Since there’s nothing actually wrong with you, and guy who rejects you becomes satan himself. You’ve probably been to at least two Taylor Swift concerts, and the captions for all of your Instagram photos are song lyrics.
Taylor, 23, mental health counselor, Seattle, WA
You have used the knowledge that you learned in your first year psychology class to deeply psychoanalyze more than one guy who has rejected you. You ask your friends to have a “drama free” night, and then go right back to complaining about that bitch you hate. Chances are, your Twitter has a tweet about positivity, acceptance and happiness directly beside the four aggressive subtweets you wrote about a stupid thing a girl in your class said.
Vanessa, 29, special education teacher, Montreal, Quebec, Canada
You might actually, genuinely be a good person. While Vanessa might not make for the best reality TV, she has enough “awww” moments on every show. You naively believe that most of the contestants will actually find true love, and that the fourth time is the charm for Nick. TBH out of all of the girls, Vanessa seems to be the least likely to be on the show to get an Instagram fit-tea sponsorship or star in a rap music video, so she seems like a good pick..
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Hiding from my mother and standards, both of whom would disown me if they heard most of these stories. Aspiring law school student, with a chihuahua named Bruiser and a head of unnatural blonde hair. Email me your "crazy" stories or any mixed drink recipes that taste like juice, but have copious amounts of vodka in them at [email protected] Watch the bitch behind these stories at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vrp2D9h3SMk&t=67s
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