What Your Halloween Costume Says About You


1. Cat

It’s not that she’s just not putting effort into her costume, its that she wants people to know that she literally gave zero fucks when thinking about her costume. While the cat ears and black body suit used to be symbolic of laziness (that still always ended up looking cute), it’s now the go-to costume of a girl who thinks that she’s far too cool for Halloween and costumes. Realistically, this is the girl who seems proud of how pathetic the crafts she made for her little are, and claims that she doesn’t know how to put on makeup (I can see your contour). She’ll most likely be seen at the costume party with the “bros” who also put no effort into their costumes, bonding over making fun of the “try-hards,” while simultaneously pulling her top down to expose her cleavage.

2.Spice Girls

These girls like to pretend that their girl clique is as perfect as T. Swift’s, and will likely caption all photos of the night with the hashtag #squadgoals. Inevitably, there will be one girl in the costume who is still bitter that she wasn’t allowed to be Baby, another who felt like they paid far too much for the costumes and the one bitch who is insistent that the whole group stay together the entire night “or no one will understand the costume” (this logic will no longer apply when she’s about to go home with someone).

3.Hillary Clinton/Donald Trump

This girl is really excited to tell you that not only is she a political science major, but is “like such a nerd, who watched all four political debates while her friends went out to the bar.” Chances are, when you ask her any relevant political questions, she’ll base her answer off of what she learned from the SNL recaps. Bonus points if her Hillary pantsuit doesn’t actually include pants.

4. Peanut Butter and Jam

This girl will inevitably act offended when any guy attempts to talk to her. “Ummmm, sorry, can you not see the other half of my costume right over there? Are you blind? Obviously I have a boyfriend.” Regardless of whether the poor guy was just asking where the washroom was, they will inevitably be called out for not recognizing a bond that this girl perceives as practically as strong as marriage. She will force the other half of the costume into a full on photoshoot, where he will be visibly unhappy in all of her Instagrams.

5. Harley Quinn

She is soooooo into comic books, thinks Captain America is sooooo hot, and definitely doesn’t understand when someone tells her that they “aren’t even in the same universe.” A picture of Margot Robbie’s ass is on her Pinterest board, to encourage her to “look #Hot4Halloween.” Be prepared to release your inner Harley Quinn on this girl if your boyfriend happens to be dressed up as the Joker that night.

6. Sugar Skull

This girl spent three hours on her makeup, and there is no way that she is going to mess it up. If she’s talented enough to recreate a piece of art on her face, she has enough experience to know that her costume will actually become scary if her makeup starts to drip. She will not dance with you, and don’t even think about trying to make out with her. Her night out will come to an end quickly, when she remembers how hot and sweaty it gets when you pile half of the university’s population, half of which are in f*cking onesies, into a bar.

7. Loofah

This girl thinks that she is the shit. Not only is she displaying her crafting ability (which she thinks obviously show guys that she is good at cooking, cleaning and raising their babies), but she is showing that she’s so above girls dressed in slutty costumes. Beware Harley Quinn, this girl will be standing beside her friend’s booth, since in her ridiculous getup, there’s no way that she’s going to fit in it, talking loudly about how she doesn’t “understand why everything has to be so sexual nowadays.” Fear not, you’ll get the last laugh when you see her trying to get into her Uber, alone.

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Hiding from my mother and standards, both of whom would disown me if they heard most of these stories. Aspiring law school student, with a chihuahua named Bruiser and a head of unnatural blonde hair. Email me your "crazy" stories or any mixed drink recipes that taste like juice, but have copious amounts of vodka in them at [email protected] Watch the bitch behind these stories at:

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