My heart skipped a beat as my phone buzzed and *his* name flashed across the screen. I blushed, I giggled, and I acted exactly how every other girl acts in this situation, and I hate it. I hate it because I’m not that girl. I am not the relationship type. I don’t get feelings. I don’t waste my time liking a guy. In fact, I am always the one to ghost after the guy confesses he likes me. I do not cuddle after sex and I’ll help wingman for a guy who was inside of me twenty-four hours before. That is who I am.
But this guy? He is different. He’s sweet, he’s smart, he’s funny, and he has a face I would love to sit on. I am attracted to him in every way possible. And I could say, without a doubt, I would give up every benefit of the single life if I could be with him.
So when I opened his message and read “Hey, it’s probably not a good idea that we hook up,” all of the girly excitement I was feeling turned to crushing rejection. This. This is why I do not develop feelings. Feelings are bullshit. I tried to play it off. I tried to act like I did not care, but I did. I know that if it had been any other guy I would have rolled my eyes at their loss. But I could not, for whatever reason, let him walk away.
“Lol. We already did. Why not, though?” I texted back.
“I know. I’m sorry. But the more I think about it the more I’m worried.” He responded instantly.
“Is it because I looked like shit tonight? Because it’s recruitment this week and I’m tired and honestly I could not bring myself to put in any more effort haha.” I anxiously fired back, my heart in my throat.
“No haha trust me your looks have nothing to do with it.”
Then what? Because we got along, we could talk for hours, we have things in common. So he started rambling off reasons. He just got out of a relationship, we were both super busy, and he and my roommate (a guy) are best friends. But no matter what he said, all I could think about is that even if all of those other things were true factors, my roommate was the one thing that was truly stopping him. Not that it was my roommate’s fault because I totally understood. My roommate was worried that this guy and I would hook up, that things would get complicated, that he would be dragged into the drama, and eventually, he would stop being able to have his friend over because I had issues. And it honestly is not fair to make that any sort of possibility.
“There’s rejection, and then there’s rejection from you,” my roommate once explained to me. “You make guys like you, you feed their ego, and then just cut them down and leave.” He was right. I’m a fuck girl. I use guys, I hurt their feelings, and I ghost them. So why the fuck should he believe that this guy, his best friend, would be different?
Or maybe that was the problem. Maybe he was worried that for the first time, I would be the one getting hurt. And the idea of me being the one being left in the cold is terrifying for anyone in close proximity of my bitching.
I have to admit I admire this guy’s commitment to the guy code because God knows girls will break that shit in a second. But the irony of hearing him tell me he does not want me while feeling his dick being shoved into my back rivals my own frustration from wanting him. Because given any opportunity I would take him in any way I could have him. On the occasions when he does cave — when he kisses me or runs his hands down my body — it breaks me. Sure it is *just* a kiss, but it is a kiss from the only person I want it from. Hearing his name fires me up more than actually sleeping with another guy.
Hopefully, I will get over it. Over him. But I have been waiting months to just stop caring, and my feelings have only grown stronger. It is just hard when he agrees that he’s attracted to me, or that he is comfortable talking to me, or that we’re good together. Although him fully rejecting me would be heartbreaking, being able to hold onto the idea that it could happen is worse.
I’m not used to rejection, but most importantly I’m not used to caring about being rejected. He’s forbidden, and like it or not, I have to accept it and live my life as if I did not care. And let him live his, even though that shit hurts. If we ever do get together, hopefully, all of the pain and waiting was worth it. But at this rate, I guess I’ll never know..
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Blue-eyed-blondie
Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at blue.eyed.blondie.tsm@gmail.com EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.
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