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Why All Guys Should Go Down On Girls (From A Guy’s Perspective)

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Ok, we’ve gone a lot of different routes with this argument. TFM fired the first shot with “Why Guys Should Not Be Required To Go Down On Girls,”  which TSM promptly responded with, “Why Girls Should Not Be Required To Give Blow Jobs.” Then, PGP came in with “Why Humans Should Never Have Sex With Each Other, Ever.” And of course, most recently, we had a female give her perspective on “Why Every Girl Should Give Blowjobs.”

It’s dizzying, I know. But if we’re going to be fair and balanced around this place, then we at the very least need a guy to speak up in favor of going down on girls, or whatever you want to call it. Clam digging, cleaning the curtains, Valley Forging, soup slurping, trench running, bird washing, muff buffing, playing with the jukebox, whatever. Cunnilingus, people. We’re talking about cunnilingus. It’s awesome.

  1. A lot of guys seem to think that it’s somehow submissive or giving up control. In what world is completely dictating someone’s pleasure with the tip of your tongue giving up control?
  2. Also, what the hell is wrong with being submissive every now and then? You’re not a caveman, so don’t fucking act like one. Be evolved for once.
  3. “All good things are reciprocated to those who go down first.” – Gandhi
  4. If you can get a girl off once before you even have sex, she’s much more likely to remember it as an enjoyable encounter for her, therefore ensuring a second time (provided that’s your goal).
  5. Girls talk about this stuff. Having a reputation as a mouth wizard is good for you.
  6. You’re not as good at sex as you think you are. Every little thing that gives you an edge should be utilized.
  7. Seriously, girls are not in awe of your dick. YOU ARE NOT AS GOOD AT SEX AS YOU THINK YOU ARE.
  8. Sex is tiresome. Going down on a girl isn’t always a substitute for the real deal, but it sure as hell makes up for it if you’re not in the mood to throw her around at the current moment.
  9. If you don’t want to, another guy sure as hell will.
  10. We like to brag. So why not get really good at another thing so you can add it to your repertoire?
  11. Stop complaining about how it tastes. It tastes fine. Sometimes it even tastes good. If she tastes bad, just tell her. Nicely. If that’s too embarrassing for you to handle, then maybe you’re not man enough to be having sex.
  12. It’s like a contraceptive in the form of a juicebox.
  13. If you go down on a girl, and follow it by killing a spider for her, she’ll be in love with you forever.
  14. You’re gonna get a lot fewer complaints. She doesn’t want you to go on that trip with your buddies this weekend? Drop her pants and head south. You want her to come to the game with you? Drop her pants and head south. Her parents are complaining about you again? You get the idea.
  15. Girls like it. A lot. In fact, that should be the only reason that really matters. If she likes it, and it doesn’t ruin your life, why not do it? Seriously, are you so selfish that you can’t take a little time to move your face downstairs and get some reps in at the mouth gym?

Seriously, why are we still arguing about this? In fact, forget I said anything at all. It’s better for me if I live in a world where my appreciation of giving oral makes me a more attractive prospect than most guys.

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Sterling Cooper

Sterling Cooper (aka Randall J. Knox, or simply, "Knox") is a contributor to TFM/TSM and PostGrad Problems. He enjoys Richard Curtis movies, puppy videos, and whines about being single more than a drunk girl tweeting from an anonymous Twitter account alone in the backseat of a taxi.

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