Why Am I Obligated To Tell Him I’m On My Period?

Why Am I Obligated To Tell Him I’m On My Period?

Sometimes, shit happens. Or, in this case, period blood happens. Whether it really is a freak spotting accident, a surprise reemergence when you genuinely thought it was over, or you decided to take a chance and, well, you were wrong, and now you’re stuck with a boy with blood on his dick.

Sure, it could be embarrassing. But do guys even care? Not once since I entered college have I had a guy reject me for being on my period. I have heard stories of guys replying with an ever classy, “So does that mean it’s blow job/backdoor week?” but I have personally never experienced that. Instead, I get the possibly even classier “Dope, does that mean I can spluge inside you?”

The point is, it seems like bringing up Aunt Flow seems weird and unnecessary. If it’s a new guy, I guess I feel more obligated to shoot them a quick text before they come over, but that still seems pointless to me. My usual go to heads up is saved for a few seconds before penetration and they can decide on the spot. I know what most of you are thinking, “if you can’t have awkward conversations about sex then you shouldn’t have sex in the first place.” But it’s not that I feel awkward telling anyone when I’m on my period. In fact, every person in my life knows my cycle. It’s that I’m genuinely confused as to why it’s necessary to bring it up beforehand.

How many times do I need to get the “yeah, I know you’re on your period. You cried into a large pizza last night” response before I just say fuck it? If I’m being completely honest, I don’t think the whole bleeding thing is even the part they want to be warned of. When I warn a guy about mother nature obstacle, in this order, I am warning him about:

  1. The fact that I will require him to bring me enough Taco Bell to feed a soccer team on his way over.
  2. I will eat ALL of said Taco Bell before the sexy time commences.
  3. I will not at all feel sexy because of the unfortunate chalupa baby that was in no way avoidable.
  4. My shirt? It’s staying on.
  5. We will cuddle after for about four to nine hours. I will get too hot and shove you off. I will then proceed to cry because you let me shove you off.
  6. Get ready to watch Gossip Girl for the 8th time.
  7. Oh, and you might get blood on your dick.

Isn’t the rest pretty self-explanatory after the initial “I need you to bring me a small village’s worth of food” text? It’s kind of like when a guy sends the courtesy forgot to shave text. I guess technically it’s appreciated, but if he knows I don’t care about a little stubble, why bring attention to it? It’s like I may not have even noticed, but since he went out of his way to bring it up, now it’s all I can focus on. But then again, maybe I’m just an asshole.

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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