If you know how to carefully apply six filters onto your Instagram photo so that it still looks “natural” and make Chad believe that you’re totally into sports and would love nothing more than to sit in his disgusting frat house and “watch the game” (the jury is still out on whether that’s code for sex), you know that no one drinks rosé anymore. Rosé has just become too basic. You’ve debated unfollowing Becky because her Instagram bio is “rosé all day,” and as much as you genuinely enjoy the taste of a wine that’s good enough to be a dessert, you’ve debated pouring it into a nondescript bottle before you head to a party to avoid judgement.
Just because you’ve had to choose between drinking rosé and being seen as even more of a basic bitch than usual doesn’t mean that you need to completely give up on your favorite way to get drunk. You just can’t… drink it. Confused? Its obvious. The new, and apparently only, acceptable way to consume rosé is eating it. It’s 2017, everyone. Catch up.
It’s come to a point where I’m sure that you’re sick of your rosé gummy bears and rosé chocolate, so rosé ice cream is here to solve all of your alcohol and sugar dependency problems.
This alcoholic dessert comes with an ABV of 3.5%… so it’s not exactly a tequila shot, but it definitely beats eating plain old ice cream, and consuming the calories without the buzz. Hipster company Smitten Ice Cream created the boozy treat that’s sure to make you feel like trash for enjoying McFlurries with Una Lou Rosé. If you’re one of those pretentious assholes who likes to pretend that they care about the way that they get drunk, Una Lou Rosé (which sounds like the name of a celebrity baby) is a canned rosé from Scribe Winery that is “made from pinot noir grapes and has flavor notes of grapefruit and strawberries.” Restate this sentence so that instead of just being seen as a “white girl,” you can be viewed as a “white girl wine snob.”
Can’t wait to get drunk while eating enough ice cream to make those around you think that you just got dumped? Well, there are a few catches. If you’re fortunate enough to live in LA, you can hop on your surfboard or ride a tanned dude with a six pack (I’m from Canada, I have no idea what you’re like) down to Smitten’s ‘Scoop Shops’ in California or Smorgasburg. If you’re suffering in a place that isn’t swarming with D-list potential husband celebrities like the rest of us, you can use the Goldbely to ship it to you, just in case your mailman didn’t think that you were extra enough already. The only problem is that if you want it delivered, you have to purchase five pints (which really might not be such a problem if you’re really committed to this whole alcoholic ice cream thing).
Bikini body be damned, this is the best way to get drunk this summer..
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