Winning A Friend Breakup Is Better Than Winning A Regular Breakup

Winning A Friend Breakup Is Better Than Winning A Regular Breakup

Friend breakups can be devastating. It’s hard to let go of a person who meant so much to you for so long. You might feel like you’re missing a part of your soul, your sister, and blah, blah, blah. And this can be tough. But on the other hand, sometimes you cut a cunt out of your life and it’s the best decision you’ve ever made.

This doesn’t mean there’s not a mourning period. You do the normal post-breakup ritual. You talk shit, you let the boy she’s in love with eat you out, and you ruin her online persona. It’s only natural. But I ask you, what is the point of fucking over that bitch’s life if she isn’t even aware of how incredibly shitty her life is?

To put it in perspective, there would be no point in sleeping with your his best friend if you knew no one would ever find out about it. To be honest, it’s a waste of time and body count. His pain is, like, 90% of the satisfaction (because we all know his best bud is just as bad in bed as he is). You living an improved life is great and all, but the same notion stands — that you need her to know that hers is also shit for it to count.

There are two parts to a breakup win. First, your life must be fucking fantastic. Which, obviously, it is. Look at you. You have an amazing group of friends, you’re beautiful, and you’re smart. But because you’re a girl, you’re not going to be satisfied with your perfect life until you know for a fact that your life is better than hers.

Which brings us to the second part, making sure she knows her life is worse than yours. This can be done in a variety of ways. Personally, I believe that stealing her boyfriend is tired and played out. She’s not worth increasing your body count. Plus, you just end up looking petty. The better way is to win all the friends.

You likely have a bunch of friends in common, and your remaining close to them — particularly remaining close to the girls she thinks are “hers” — is a whole new level of victory. You’ll feel vindicated in knowing that you are just so fabulous that she can’t even confidently count on her squad to call you ugly behind your back.

From there, just continue to be prettier/skinnier/better than her in every way, and most importantly, make sure you are absolutely always the center of attention when she’s there to see it. It’s not about who sleeps with you, it’s about who *wants* to sleep with you. And knowing she’s there watching a bunch of guys fawn over you should do the trick.

Keep being your badass self and be happy you got that dark blemish of a human the fuck away from you. Sure it’s hard to keep yourself from slapping her across the face every time she starts running her mouth, but resist this urge. Trust me, once you’re done getting your revenge, the best feeling in the world is not being around toxic people anymore. That relief alone is worth a thousand breakups.

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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