You Are Not “One Of The Guys” And You Never Will Be


My freshmen year boyfriend had, as most people do, a “squad” of high school friends back home. This group of degenerates consisted of himself, three other boys and one girl. Surprise, surprise I only disliked the girl of the group. People would assume that it was because she was his close friend, who followed him to his school, who has admitted that she is in love with him, would demand he spend more time with her than with me, and because she would frequently invite him over for sleepovers… in a shared bed. And while all of that was irksome, I am not the jealous type. I did not care if he allowed her to try and treat him like her boyfriend because I knew he would never cheat on me. Until he did, but that’s a different story involving another girl.

What bothered me about her was that she had self-declared herself a “bro” among them. And would brag to everyone about her “bro” status, especially to me. No, I do not care how chill of a girl you are, you will never be a “bro.” Now I know this might sound offensive to those who have severely close guy friends or those of you who basically live and breathe your favorite fraternity, but take it as a wake-up call. It is one thing to acknowledge a tight-knit, platonic, cross-gender relationship, but it is another to force yourself into being a part of something that you’re not. Being a SratBro is just being a tryhard.

I first noticed this problem with her when I discovered two group chats on his phone. The first one was called “homies” (original, I know) and the second was labeled “squad” (seriously, what is the point of naming a group if it’s not funny or creative?!). Now, I am not 100 percent fluent in douchebag guy speak, but I am pretty fucking sure “squad” trumps “homies” in bro status. The group chats had the same exact people in them, except she was excluded from the “squad.” And while I found it somewhat hilarious, I decided to take action to help her. She had found a new group of friends, as one does, and all I can say is that they are the most dysfunctional group I have ever seen. All six of them only hang out with themselves and break girl code like it’s required to by law. I’m talking constantly hooking up with same guys knowing he’s off limits, screaming at each other, and cutting each other down every single day. And the moments that they are not with each other, all they do is shit talk the others. I have literally never once seen these girls try to work out a single problem in a mature way.

So I thought that maybe this was the reason she was so attached to my boyfriend. Personally, I would ditch the bitches and find a new group. After all, when the only love in any type of relationship is forced and shallow, it is not a relationship you should be in. If your friends are bad friends to you, it is 100 percent acceptable to cut them out and start over. Instead, she moved in with these girls and promptly called my boyfriend almost every night to come stay the night with her because her “best friend” was being a bitch, and she needed his support. It was heartbreaking to listen to, so I wanted to help, up until a point.

I asked if she would ever consider going Greek, to meet new people and make healthier (better) friendships. She refused, explaining that she could only get along with guys. She knew that sisterhood was “fake” and all girls in sororities secretly hate each other. Of course, that is insulting to hear. I mean, I know sororities have that reputation, and hell, maybe some sisters do hate each other, but it is insane to believe that anyone would devote so much time, money, and energy into something that they did not want to be part of. It is statistically impossible for every sister in a chapter to be best friends, that is just common sense, but there is absolutely zero risk in giving it a try (of course besides the literal hell that is recruitment). But I let it go with perfect grace (I rolled my eyes and changed the subject). However, as I hung around her more and more, I discovered that she had started more than her fair share of the drama in her group of friends. And she did so (I believe) for the sole purpose of being able to complain about how dramatic and crazy girls are. And how she was soooo different. She said the phrase “I’m not like most girls” so much it physically hurt to listen to it.

But the truth is, she, or anyone else with that mentality, is not better. Those girls are not somehow more chill than a girl who hangs out with a ton of girls. If the group gets along well then it is a solid group of friends — regardless of the size. If her smaller circle of friends actually liked each other, let alone felt the true bond of love and friendship, then I would not have been annoyed with her “all girls suck” attitude. Because for the most part, we don’t. And as much as I love and respect my guy friends, and despite that I am closer to more guys than I am girls, my girlfriends are the number one people in my life. And I would do anything for them. Obviously, everyone should be friends with both genders. I mean a girl who can’t hang with guys because she’s too fucking high maintenance is just as annoying. Refusing to be friends with either gender because you like being “that girl” is plain stupid. Everyone has something to offer. Besides, honestly everyone sees through your bullshit. If you can not be friends with girls, everyone will assume that you need to be the center of attention. Being insecure enough to not hang out with another girl for fear of competition is desperate and will not make guys think you’re down to earth — just down to fuck.

The girls who claim they’re “one of the guys,” or only have guy friends because it’s “less drama,” all need a serious reality check. Do you really want a guy to hang out with you while watching Gossip Girl with no makeup and ice cream stains on your shirt? Of course not. There is a fine line when it comes to being too comfortable with a guy, and those types of girls always sail right across that shit. As in guys night. Sure you might think that “no girls” only the girlfriends, but not you! Because you’re totally cool, right? RIGHT?! No. If he says “hey, so, the guys and I are…” then you’re not invited. Maybe you actually love football games, maybe you love drinking beer, but just because you’re comfortable does not mean that the guys are. And chances are, they’re too afraid to hurt your feelings to tell you to GTFO. So instead, they let it happen and slowly start to view your presence as annoying. Which means one day they will snap. And nothing is more embarrassing than being kicked out by your “best friends.”

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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