Do not get me wrong–Stefon is a man who loves him some pumpkin and spice, but I fear that we’re hitting a tipping point when it comes to the fall favorite of basic betches all over the world. Not only did the Pumpkin Spice Latte come earlier than your high school boyfriend on prom night, but everyone and her dog is getting in on the pumpkin spice craze. I’m not joking about the dog, either, but I’ll get to that later. Some might say that we’re living in the golden age of pumpkin spice heaven, and others fear that we’re in danger of pumpkin spice over-saturation in the marketplace. Me? I’m leaning toward too much pumpkin, and after you see some of these crazy pumpkin spice products, you might agree.
1. Pumpkin Spice Hummus
Because pumpkin and chickpeas go together like lamb and tuna fish.
2. Pumpkin Spice Four Loko
Combining the terror of puking up your guts freshman year with the tastes of Thanksgiving dinner!
3. Pumpkin Spice Greek Yogurt
Even John Stamos wouldn’t advertise this.
4. Pumpkin Spice Pringles.
Once you pop, you just can’t stop being basic.
5. Pumpkin Spice Butter
I can’t believe it’s not edible!
6. Pumpkin Spice Chewing Gum
Bazooka Joe is probably spinning in his grave.
7. Pumpkin Spice Vodkaaaaaa
Mmm. The drunken punkin.
8. Pumpkin Spice Moonshine?
When vodka just won’t do.
9. Pumpkin Spice Dog Treats
TOLD YOU we’d get to the dogs. I wish I could say this was the only animal product on the list.
10. Pumpkin Spice Pasta Sauce
Just like mama used to make, whenever she got high and watched “Frankenfood.”
11. Pumpkin Spice Oreos
These actually might not be half bad.
12. Pumpkin Spice Beef Jerky
And THIS might actually be the worst thing I’ve ever seen.
13. Pumpkin Spice Cat And Dog Shampoo…
Torture your pets by making them smell like food!
14. …And Pumpkin Spice Cat And Dog Conditioner
What? Like your pet could walk around with mismatched scents? Not even.
15. Pumpkin Spice Milk
Because my gag reflex isn’t sensitive enough.
16. And Pumpkin Spice SOY Milk
For those of you of the lactose intolerant persuasion.
17. Pumpkin Spice Bagels
“You call these bagels?” -New Yorkers and Jews
18. Pumpkin Spice Cream Cheese
Because what else are you supposed to put on your pumpkin spice bagel?
19. Pumpkin Spice M&Ms
The M&M guy looks almost as pissed as I am.
20. Pumpkin Spice Nail Polish
I…I don’t get it. Does it smell like pumpkin spice? Taste like pumpkin spice?
21.Chocolate Pumpkin Spice Chips
You can put these in your pumpkin spice cookies and wash them down with your pumpkin spice latte while you ride in your pumpkin spice carriage all the way to hell.
22. Pumpkin Spice Soap
Feeling dirty? Try soap that’ll make you smell like the goddamn great pumpkin, Charlie Brown!
23. Pumpkin Spice Shampoo
Speaking of Charlie Brown, Pigpen could’ve probably used this shampoo.
24. Pumpkin Spice Burger
If you needed another reason to not go to Burger King, here’s its newest offering from Japan, the BK Pumpkin.
25. Pumpkin Spice Lasagna
Even Garfield might turn this one down.
26. Pumpkin Spice Marshmallows
Obviously, the only thing you can put in your pumpkin spice lattes!
27.Pumpkin Spice Air Freshener
The only thing that can cover up pumpkin spice bowel movements.
28. Pumpkin Spice Lotion
“It’s the only lotion with the smooth, healing power of pumpkins!”
29. And, Of Course, If All Else Fails, You Can Try “Autumn’s Eve”
Well, I think I’m gonna go throw up now. At least it’s only a couple months until Christmas. Almost time to get my eggnog on.
Nice Move747
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Stefon
New York's Hottest Club is wherever I am. Haters to the front, hunky Sailors to the back. Bow down betches. Follow this bitch on Twitter @StefonTSM StefonTSM@iCloud.com
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