There are two very conflicting views when it comes to sex. First, it feels good. It’s fun. People enjoy doing it. The problem? For those of us lazies in the world who would rather die than move, getting it on can be pretty freaking strenuous. The thrusting. The jiggling. The shortness of breath, the cramped muscles, and the sheer fact that you’re doing cardio can be enough to completely turn off those of us who hate moving. Still, there’s hope! If the mere thought of physical activity makes you feel dizzy, don’t worry! Here are a few tried and true positions that will not only guarantee an orgasm (or at least however close you usually get before you maybe fake it) but will ensure that you don’t work up a sweat. It’s call priorities.
1. The Face Down Ass Up
A classic for a reason, the FDAU is not only perfect for lazies, but it’s conveniently a favorite amongst the sexes. It makes everyone’s ass look good, the person penetrating can just go at their own rhythm, and the person taking it can just lay there, face smushed against the mattress, sending a silent prayer up above in thanks that they don’t have to do any work, yet still get credit for being a sexpot.
2. The Corpse
When you think of things that ooze sex appeal, the list probably goes like this:
• The Hemsworths.
• Anything involving silk.
• Dead bodies.
Kidding about the last one (or am I?!?!?! I am), but when it comes time to do the deed, channeling your inner corpse might not be the worst thing in the world. Imagine laying on the bed, still as can be, as someone else climbs on top and does literally all of the work. You don’t even have to bend your knees, wrap your legs around a sweaty body, or even thrust. You just lay there and take it, all while being nestled down in your soft, cozy coffin. I mean, bed?
3. The Beached Whale
Is there anymore more attractive than laying on your stomach as someone bangs you from behind? Yes. There is. Almost everything looks and feels more attractive than that. That saying, laying on the bed like a beached whale while someone else does all the work isn’t the worst thing in the world. You could position yourself in front of the TV, or just lay there with your face in the mattress and compliment yourself on purchasing one of those super soft throw blankets from Target. No matter what, it’s fast, it’s easy, and to some people, it even feels good.
4. The Compromise
Deciding who is going to do the work is never easy. Maybe you’re hungover. Maybe you’re full. Maybe the idea of jumping up and down on a penis in a cramp-inducing style sounds like one of the more painful circles of hell. Still, you’re in love or like or would enjoy the attention and/or orgasm that comes with sex. So, what do you do? You make a compromise. Maybe you play “rock, paper, scissors.” Maybe you agree to do the work if he buys you pizza after. Whatever it is, you plan to dish out the duties to ensure that if you’re the one giving, you’re getting something in return.
5. The Slow Ride
So, maybe you lost “rock, paper, scissors.” Maybe you decided to pull one for the team and agreed to do the work. However it went down, you’re running the rodeo and you could not be less pleased. Still, just because you have to be the one in charge, it doesn’t mean you have to give it your all. Just move nice and slow and pretend you’re trying to be romantic. Say the occasional *gag* “You like that?” as you circle your hips around in a way that says “I am an absolute sex goddess and I’m not going to burn any calories from this at all.”
6. The Pass Out
It’s not a good move. It’s not a nice move. It’s not a fair or respectful or caring move. But after you get yours and he runs to get some water before round two, casually fall asleep because you’re “just so tired” and promise that you’ll get him next time. Repeat as often as you can before he catches on, leaves you, and you die alone.
See! You can have sex without moving if you truly believe. And if you accept that fact that people probably won’t want to have sex with you much longer. Still, desperate times, ladies..
Image via Shutterstock
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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