I’ve heard it time and time again. “Why don’t I don’t have a boyfriend?” You’re pretty. You’re normal…ish. You have nice hair and you have a cute laugh. So what. the hell. is your problem. Well, I’m here to tell you. If you want to know, and I mean really know what you’re doing wrong, here it is. Why you don’t have a boyfriend. Or at least, why I think you don’t have a boyfriend. I could be wrong, and you just have really bad breath in the morning or something. Either way, this isn’t going to be easy to read. It might hurt and you might get upset. But together, we can get through this. Together we can become better, more bangable dateable people.

1. You’re constantly staring at your phone.
2. Like, you-never-look-up-to-see-him-being-in-love-with-you, staring.
3. And you feel the need to document your almost-relationship on every form of social media.
4. “OMG! Let’s Snapchat riding in the car!”
5. “OMG! Let’s Snapchat drinking at the bar!”
6. “OMG! Let’s Snapchat laying in bed post hook up! Whoops! Did you see his ass?! OMG we’re so silly.”
7. Stop. He doesn’t want to be the star in your weird reality series.
8. And no, he doesn’t need to be your #MCM every. single. Monday.
9. And don’t even ask him why you’re not his #WCW. Seriously. Don’t.
10. You never offer to pay.
11. Ever.
12. And the one time he bought you a beer, you were a total bitch about it.
13. You harassed him about his ex-girlfriend.
14. Or you’re still obsessed with your ex.
15. To the point that you still text him, talk about him, and hang out with him.
16. You don’t give blow jobs.
17. I’m sorry. But for most guys, that’s a deal breaker.
18. I’m not saying you have to swallow. I’m not a monster.
19. But a little lick here and there will go a long way to being FBO.
20. You don’t listen.
21. You know, that thing you’re supposed to do when someone else is talking? Try it.
22. Or you tell boys that the things they like are stupid.
23. I know, I know. Fantasy football is fucking idiotic. But they like it. So just chill.
24. You’ve hooked up with a lot of guys.
25. JK. That shit doesn’t matter. And if he acts like it does, give him a titty twister and move on.
26. You’re not cool with him watching porn.
27. Or thinking that hot girls are hot.
28. Hot girls are hot. Deal.
29. You say that you’ll “never change for someone.”
30. Which is ignorant AF.
31. You expect HIM to change for you, don’t you?
32. So don’t be a C U Next Tuesday when he says he wants to work on something or gives you constructive criticism.
33. There’s a difference between being a dick and him looking out for you.
34. You don’t enjoy food.
35. Sure, it’s cool to be healthy (so I’ve heard). But half of the fun of being in a relationship is trying delicious new foods and slowly getting fat together.
36. You’re a mean girl. You’re a bitch.
37. Or you’re a mean girl and a bitch when you’re drunk.
38. You’re a cheater.
39. AND NO ONE LIKES CHEATERS OKAY?!
40. Or your expectations are WAY too high.
41. Sure, dating a guy with a six pack would be great. But do you know what’s better? A guy who can make you laugh.
42. A guy who likes to do the things you like doing.
43. Or likes to show you new things.
44. Or goes down on you a lot.
45. Stop having a “type” and start looking at guys as individuals.
46. You’re not passionate about things.
47. Things other than Netflix and contouring.
48. I mean, those are great. Like, really great. But pick up a book sometime.
49. Something that’s not Nicholas Sparks.
50. You make boys watch Nicholas Sparks movies with you.
51. Or, you go after guys who aren’t passionate about things.
52. Well, things other than their dicks, that is.
53. You text him all of the time.
54. And constantly ask him where he is.
55. Even though you KNOW where he is because you tracked him with “Find My iPhone.” Obviously.
56. Or maybe, you think that you want to be treated like a princess, but really, you want to be treated like a partner.

Now put down your phone and go get your boyfriend. He’s out there somewhere waiting to feed you cheese fries and talk about his fantasy football team..

Nice Move270

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Rachel Varina

(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.

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