How To Not Hate Yourself This Black Friday

How To Not Hate Yourself This Black Friday

Aside from Thanksgiving and every other day where you eat Alexis Ren’s monthly calorie limit in a day, Black Friday has to be everyone’s most popular day for self-loathing. It’s like at the beginning of the day you go into a trance, and you come out of it with a negative balance in your bank account, six packages on their way, three crop tops that probably won’t actually look good on you, and four bold lipsticks that you bought to “push you out of your comfort zone” even though you actually quite like your comfort zone.

Unless you’re some sort of rarity with “self-control,” there’s a good chance that your Black Friday habits will have you choosing between eating for the next month or buying your loved ones Christmas presents. Sure, your aunt probably doesn’t need a pair of socks, but at the same time, do you really need those brand-name chips?

To avoid hating yourself and repairing your bank account until the next Black Friday, here are some tips on how not to destroy your life in one day of sales:

1. Look for places that give you a gift with purchase
Responsible adults use Black Friday as a day to get all of their holiday shopping done. You’re not an adult yet, but I’m sure you could do with one less going-out outfit if it meant showing your family how much you care…right? Scope out stores that are more in the holiday spirit than you are by offering a free gift with purchase. Your little brother is totally going to appreciate that sequins Victoria Secret gym bag that you got free with lingerie! Everyone wins!

2. Only buy the things that you really need
For instance, you need a new dress for Josh’s formal, even though you technically haven’t been invited yet. You also definitely need a few new outfits for the gym, since they’ll motivate you to work out, and everyone knows that its a necessity to be healthy. Most importantly, you need those new shoes because they’re on sale, and you work really hard, and sometimes you just need to treat yourself. Of course, you need to be willing to put some things back. You don’t really need those towels, dishware or books… after all, your parents will probably buy them for you later, even if they’re not on sale!

3. Stick to the online sales
This might be more of a selfish choice, since it allows you to gain all of the benefits from the super sales, without having to wake up early, leave your bed, and get into a fight with a 40-year-old named Brenda over a pair of pumps that wouldn’t even look good on her anyway. Online shopping gives you the benefit of knowing exactly how much you’re spending before you get the cash registered; which probably won’t matter since it doesn’t feel like you’re spending real money when you don’t actually need to swipe your card and physically feel the shame. But hey, at least you’ll know how much money you’re spending!

4. Bring a friend for “moral” support
The whole point of bring a friend along on your shopping day isn’t just so that you have someone to help you justify getting Cinnabon. They’re main purpose of the day is to prevent you from spending money… and the best way to accomplish this is by convincing them to spend the money themselves. “I really love these shoes, but I think they would look so much better on you. I’ll be a good friend and let you buy them instead. Just promise me you’ll let me borrow them once in awhile!”

5. Get drunk and eat a pizza the night before the sales
If all of the above methods don’t work, this one is foolproof. Drastic times call for drastic measures and if you really need to prevent yourself from crippling your bank account, grab a bottle of tequila, and start drinking. If you succeed, theres no way that you’re going to wake up in time to hit the best sales, or have the energy to fight crowds of people. For the cherry on top, force down an entire pizza (which shouldn’t be a struggle if you drank the tequila as instructed), to ensure that even in the off chance that you wake up still drunk, and have the false sense of energy to go shopping, you’ll feel so bloated and gross, you won’t want to even buy a winter coat… never mind a body con dress.

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Hiding from my mother and standards, both of whom would disown me if they heard most of these stories. Aspiring law school student, with a chihuahua named Bruiser and a head of unnatural blonde hair. Email me your "crazy" stories or any mixed drink recipes that taste like juice, but have copious amounts of vodka in them at [email protected] Watch the bitch behind these stories at:

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