Dear Cristina,
My boyfriend and I have been together for about six months. Everything has been going great, we said we love each other and we’ve met each other’s parents. I can seriously see myself being with him for a long time. He’s sweet, caring, and we have so much fun together. Our sex life is pretty normal, but recently something happened that made me question everything.
I went over to his place early one afternoon and walked in on him watching porn. Like, full on, pants off, dick in hand action. I was shocked and so was he. It was so awkward, and we talked about after it happened but I think I was still processing and just ended up apologizing for not telling him before I came over and we just ignored it.
Now that I’ve had time to think about it, I feel a little hurt that he would want to watch porn instead of actually having sex with me. Is it wrong to ask my boyfriend my boyfriend not to watch porn? Or am I just being crazy?
Sincerely,
Not A Porn Star
Dear Not A Porn Star,
I get where you’re coming from, I really do. Seeing your guy get turned on by another girl definitely doesn’t do anything good for your self esteem. You wonder if he finds this girl on his computer screen more attractive than you, or if he thinks the sex you two have is boring. Walking in on him watching other people have sex makes you question yourself, your relationship, and maybe even his character.
Stop right there. Just because your boyfriend watches porn doesn’t mean he doesn’t want you, or that he finds this random porn actress more attractive or appealing than you. Guys know porn is fake. They understand the difference between porn and real life sex. They enjoy real life sex way more than they enjoy porn, but sometimes they just want to rub one out real quick. Maybe because you’re in a long distance relationship, or even just because they’re bored. Guys like sex.
Masturbating is healthy. Seriously, if you haven’t already, you should try it. Knowing what turns you on, what feels good, and what your sexual preferences are is important. It’s important for yourself to know what he likes and for him to know what you like, so you both can have the most fulfilling, satisfying, oh-my-fuck-don’t-stop-right-there-YES sex every time. Trust me, there’s nothing that makes sex more satisfying than a guy fulfilling every one of your fantasies and being able to be completely open with someone.
There are some girls who consider watching porn a form of cheating. Those girls think that since he’s getting pleasure from someone else and not you, he’s being unfaithful. I hate to be the one to break it to those girls, but all guys watch porn. Seriously. All of them. When researchers wanted to compare men who had never been exposed to porn to regular porn watchers, they couldn’t even find a single guy who had not watched porn. This infographic shows that 70% of men aged 18-24 visit porn sites in a typical month. Guys all vary in their porn watching habits, but most, if not all, do it.
Now that they have this information, girls who think porn is the same as cheating can look at it one of two ways. They can either continue to believe that porn is cheating, and therefore every guy they ever date will be a “cheater,” or they can just face reality and understand that guys who watch porn are just guys who want to get off more. He doesn’t want to have sex with the girl on the computer screen — he just wants to have sex with himself.
If he’s hiding his porn habits from you, it’s because he’s scared of your reaction. Let him know it’s okay. As long as it isn’t interfering with his daily life or actually having sex with you, watching porn and getting off from it is totally normal. It can even improve your relationship if you let it become something something positive instead of something to be ashamed of.
If you want to have the best sex ever, find out what he likes. Watch porn with him and show him videos that turn you on, so now when he watches that porn, he’ll be thinking of you and how much you enjoy it and it’ll make that solo sex session even better.
Porn shouldn’t be a shameful thing. It’s a healthy expression of sexuality, and if it still makes you uncomfortable with your relationship, maybe you should consider why you feel this way. Is it because you feel insecure about yourself or your relationship? Is there a deeper reason, like maybe you and your boyfriend have been drifting apart recently? Have you ever even watched porn before, or are you simply judging something you don’t know? Do you feel sexy/do you enjoy having regular sex with your boyfriend? Talk about these things with him. If there’s a problem, address it.
Understand that whether you like it or not, guys are going to watch porn. They’ve been doing it since they were eleven, they’ll continue do it when they’re older. You can’t stop a guy from touching himself. Either accept this as truth, or accept the fact that your boyfriend is going to lie to you about it.
Honestly, there’s a million things that a guy can do that’s worse than watching porn. As long as your boyfriend doesn’t have a serious porn addiction, it’s totally normal to enjoy rubbing one out every once in a while. Porn is actually healthy for relationships, so head to your favorite website and start looking for material to share with the class.
If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. .
Image via Shutterstock
Nice Move197
Respond
Cristina Montemayor
Cristina is a Grandex Writer and Content Manager. She was an intern for over two years before she graduated a semester early to write about college full time, which makes absolutely no sense. She regretfully considers herself a Carrie, but is first and foremost a Rory. She tends to draw strong reactions from people. They are occasionally positive. You can find her in a bar as you're bending down to tie your shoes, drinking Dos XX and drunk crying to Elton John. Email her: cristina@grandex.co (not .com).
@crismontyy
@crismontyy
cristinamonty
cristina@grandex.co
