Real guys are great. They’re semi-attractive, drowning in debt, burp at dinner, fart in bed, pull their dicks out all of the time and say charming things like “it’s not going to suck itself!” While sure, they have some good qualities, there’s a reason most of us have celebrity crushes. We like to dream about these perfect, rich, successful guys that say the romantic things they utter in the romcoms they had to be in the pave their way up the fame ladder.
And while not all celebrity crushes are created equally, it’s only a matter of time between Googling his birthday and getting arrested for trying to climb over the fence of his Hollywood Hills mansion. Ah, the things we do for love!
1. You Think He’s Cute In Passing
Maybe you’ve seen him in a movie or on a TV show and casually thought, “yeah, I would.” You don’t really think twice about it, but every time he pops up in your life, you remember that yes, he is, in fact, attractive. You know, if you think things like mega fame and abs that look like they’re painted on are attractive.
2. You Learn His Name
After seeing him in enough movies and getting little lady boners every time, you finally take the plunge and figure out who the hell he is. Whether you wait until the end of the movie like a nerd, or IMDB that shit then and there, by the time the credits have finished rolling, you’ve named the puppy. You’ve committed his identity to your memory. And yes, you sort of consider yourself on first name basis with him.
3. You Follow His Social Handles
After casually learning his name, you’re only a few little clicks away from liking his Facebook page. And following him on Instagram. And Twitter. And Snapchat. And trying to find his house on Zillow. No, you don’t stalk him all the time, but when he pops up on your timeline or his story automatically plays, you’re taken aback by how charming he is. And attractive. And you know, generally perfect?
4. You Start Seeking Out His Movies
Once up a time, you’d be pleasantly surprised anytime he popped up in a movie or show, but now? You’re searching around online to find out what else he’s in and where you can stream them for free. When a new movie comes out starring him, you’re sure to hit up the theater on opening day, and you’re not exactly turned off when you leave.
5. You Learn The Details Of His Life
When the topic of celebrity crushes come up, you say his name for the first time. You feel a rush as his identity leaves your lips. And as you come out, your friends start asking you more information about him. How old is he? What else is he in? Does he have a wife you lowkey want to murder? As you’re faced with questions you don’t know the answers to, you realize it’s time to do some digging, commit to the crush, and find out everything you can about him. But you know, not in a creepy way or anything.
6. You Have A Casual Dream About Him
It doesn’t have to be sexual. Hell, it doesn’t even have to be romantic. But the first time he makes an appearance in your dreams, it’s the start of something ~real.~ Maybe you’re just pals. Maybe he’s the cashier at the grocery store. Maybe he’s an actor who doesn’t know you exist which is far too close to reality. Whatever the dream is, you’ll wake up a different woman with a solidified celebrity crush.
7. You Have An Erotic Dream About Him
After a few dreams where you’re just friends (because yes, even in your dreams he friend zones you), things usually take a turn for the scandalous. Maybe he kisses you passionately in his movie trailer. Maybe he tells you he doesn’t love his much hotter and more-famous-than-you girlfriend, and you make love on a (faux) bear skin rug. Whatever your first erotic dream is, you wake up feeling a little dirtier, a little more of a woman, and a whole lot more obsessed.
8. You Sort Of Think You Might End Up Together
You know it’s not likely to happen. And when you bring up your celebrity crush to friends, you act like you’re joking when you say you can’t wait to get married. But a little part of you, a teeny, tiny, crazy little part, thinks it might not be a joke. I mean, crazier things have happened, right? And you’re not the ugliest person in the world. If you two happened to meet, and you happened to hit it off, and he happened to forget that he could and does date literal models, maybe things would work out?
9. You Send Him Fan Mail
Whether you choose to tweet at him, send him an email, or go the old fashioned route and ship him a lock of hair and a dirty pair of panties, you’ve decided that it’s time to make him fall in love with you. You’ll spend hours crafting the perfect 140 characters or five pages of 12 point font confessing your love. You’ll spray your best perfume on the pages and make sure to dribble the perfect amount of blood on the inside of the envelope. However you choose to get his attention, you feel certain that this is finally the key to making him yours.
10. You Sincerely Think You’ll End Up Together<
Sure, you know that logically the odds are stacked against you. He lives and works in LA, and you’re still struggling to pass chem at some state school. He’s a good 15-20 years older than you and has been in a serious relationship with another celebrity for three years. You can’t get the guy you hooked up with last week to text you back. No, none of it makes sense. But there’s a part of you that really, truly thinks it’s all going to work out. How hard could it be, right?
11. You Casually Stalk Him IRL
Remember that one time you searched on Zillow to find out where he lived? Remember seeing pictures of his home online and then scouring Google Maps and creepy fan bases until you came across his residence. I’m not saying you’re planning on buying a $500 round trip ticket to California just to stand outside of his house until security tells you to leave, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
12. You Sincerely Stalk Him IRL
Sure, you only planned on staying in LA for a weekend, but after seeing just how beautiful his home is, and just how great your lives together could be, you quickly cancel your return flight (God bless Southwest for not charging for flight changes). You spend your days lurking around different film studios where he might be working, hitting up his rumored hot spots, and reading up about his comings and goings, and you spend every evening camped outside of his home, just waiting for magic to happen. Eventually, either the cops come and pick you up for sleeping outside of his house like a creep and you earn a restraining order or one day you make eye contact with him at his favorite coffee shop and a relationship blossoms from there. It could really go either way.
13. You Fall In Love
And then, naturally, after spending years stalking him from afar, finally getting his attention, laughing off the whole “restraining order” thing, becoming friends and then using witchcraft to make him love you, you ride off into the sunset while 2006 Taylor Swift plays in the background, and the two of you live happily ever after..
Image via Shutterstock
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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