The 7 Different Types Of Bitches


Recently, the world “bitch” has sent this country into a frenzy because one woman (looking at you, Taylor) couldn’t handle it. The word was used as a term of endearment but was received as if Kanye had personally (bitch) slapped her through his album. People have different ideas about who was right and who was wrong in this scenario, but one thing is for sure, Taylor handled it like a little bitch.

While I agree that we need to stop putting each other down, and love everyone and whatever, the truth is that there are a ton of bitches out there. And beyond that, the term “bitch” is so general. No two bitches are the same, but here are at least some broad categories to help identify the bitches in your life.

The Slut

This girl discovered that opening her legs gave her all the attention (and more) that she needed back in freshmen year. She kept discovering herself well into the last quarter of undergrad, and you’ve openly wondered when she’ll calm the fuck down. She’s sexual, which is fine, but then she started acting better than everyone. If you chose not to go home with some random at the end of the night, she gave you a pity frown as if you couldn’t get a guy to go home with you. She will flirt with every guy in the room, but particularly the unavailable ones. Something about getting forbidden attention gives her a high that is only more inflated as she rolls her eyes at the rightfully pissed girlfriend proclaiming, “I don’t get why she’s so jealous of me!”
Biggest threat: sleeping with your boyfriend.

The Bragger

If you had a great night, she had a better night. If you had a bad day, she had the worst day of her life. No matter what the situation, she’s better than everyone else. If she’s Greek, she’ll say things like “oh, it’s a sorority thing, you wouldn’t get it” to a non-Greek. And if you are Greek, she’ll hit you with “It’s more of a top tier thing” to a fellow sorority girl. You wonder if this girl actually has all of these crazy stories, or if she just pulls shit out of her ass in any given moment. Either way, you can’t help but roll your eyes as she redirects the conversation back to herself every time.
Biggest threat: might actually die from lack of attention.

The Sweetheart

To everyone else, she’s the “nicest person they’ve ever met,” or “doesn’t have a mean bone in her body.” But you know better. You know that she’s as fake as those “diamond” earrings she wears. It seems like you’re the only one who can hear the cunty undertones in her voice. But when you call her out, she pulls a T-Swift and plays the victim. “I’m not like that!” she’ll insist, even though she is. The worst part is no one else will believe you, but rest assured she’ll be exposed in a legendary way, and you will celebrate her downfall.
Biggest threat: obesity. Because she’s dealing out constant sugar and salt.

The Self-Conscious Narcissist

You’re all for self-love, but when was the last time this girl went an entire hour without complimenting herself? She posts more selfies than a Kardashian and has actually compared herself to Beyoncé. As in literally said, “I am the Beyoncé of my time.” While you’re sitting there wondering what she has contributed to society besides three dog filter selfies a day, she posts a picture on Insta in a bikini captioned “Can you believe I’m still single when I look this hot?” And maybe all that would be acceptable, or at least ignorable, if it stopped there, but it doesn’t. She makes sure you not only know that she’s hot, but that she’s hotter than you, with the subtle digs and one-ups to everyone around her all the time.
Biggest threat: killing your self-esteem as fast as her relentless selfies kill her phone battery.

The Legacy

She’s the girl who has been in your group of friends too long to let go of, but no one really likes her. Maybe she was introduced to you by her really cool sister, or maybe she was a day-oner who stuck around long enough to be forced into your new social circles. She probably acts like the Queen Bee who everyone low-key wants to dethrone. After all, her royalty was inherited, not earned.
Biggest threat: she’ll be around forever.

Your Ex-Bestie’s New BFF

Your worst nightmare. You and your bestie had taken over the campus together for years, and then slowly things start to change. One girl just starts becoming closer to the two of you, and you think nothing of it. But then you get a job, or a boyfriend, or start taking major-specific classes, and you begin to notice that they’re together all the time. Sure you’re happy that your bestie is happy, but you wish you could tell them to tone it down with the BFF PDA. Suddenly this bitch is posting all about how YOUR best friend is her future bridesmaid, and it stings.
Biggest threat: you don’t even want to steal your BFF back because you know how bad it hurts.

The Real One

She has something like “I’m not a bitch, I’m just honest” in her bios. No, honey, if everyone thinks you’re a bitch, you’re a bitch. But at least she doesn’t pretend to be nice. Every single one of her exes swears she’s crazy, but she doesn’t try to deny it. In fact, she embraces it. She has a smirk on her lips as she insults the poor soul who dare say something catty to her little. “Classy” isn’t a concern of hers, but all of her friends laugh as they insist that no one fucks with her. While you might hate this girl, you have to at least have some respect for her Regina George confidence.
Biggest threat: being on the other side of her wrath.

Or you can just be like me, talk shit to everyone and then cry uncontrollably at any form of insult.

Image via Shutterstock

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Blondie excels at being an underachiever. She is currently trying to add an extra year onto her undergrad so she can continue to down $7 bottles of wine in an environment that encourages her erratic behavior. After graduation, she has big plans to flunk out of a prestigious law school. Email her compliments and Netflix suggestions at [email protected] EDIT** if you suggest Black Mirror she's already seen it. So stop suggesting it. Seriously. Please stop suggesting it.

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