Were you feeling good about yourself today? Maybe you were able to fit into those shorts that used to stop at your knees or maybe you just remembered to wash your hair. Either way, you were feeling fabulous when you woke up. Sexy. Confident. But don’t worry, that’s all about to change. You’re about to have one more thing that you feel self-conscious about. You know, in addition to your feet, your stomach, your legs, your hair, your eyebrows, your lips, your breast size, your ass size, what your vagina looks like and how bomb your nail beds are, you can now feel bad about one more thing.
Your nipples. Isn’t the internet great?
Before, we just thought “okay, if my nipples are larger than three fingers they’re big” but now, Dr. Tsippora Shainhouse, M.D. AKA a total tit expert, has stated that there are eight different types of nipples. Eight. Because just having small or “pepperoni” nipples wasn’t enough. And naturally, some are more aesthetically pleasing than others. Horrible, right? So take off your shirt, head to a mirror, and get ready to judge a body part you didn’t know you needed to judge.
Protruding
This is like an always erect nipple. Since nipples are coming back into style, I have a feeling this might be the best nipple in the game. I know I know, beauty is in the eye of the groper, but for societal purposes, I think this bad boy is the winner. This nip gets even more erect when cold or excited or whatever, which just shows that some people are overachievers.
Flat
The flat nipple is the protruding nipple’s less exciting older sister. Sure, she’ll go to the club, but she’s not dancing on a table or flirting with the hot guy unless she has a lot of liquid courage. The flat nip blends into the areola until it’s showtime. Bet you never knew that you could be a grower, not a shower.
Puffy
Your eyes the morning after a lot of drinking and very little sleep or water? That’s what your nipples look like. They’re flat in the sense that they’re on level with the areola, but they’re like a little hill on your boob, sitting above the rest. Sure, once they get a little TLC they’ll perk up, but until that they’re just hanging out, puffing for the world to see.
Inverted
Just like with an innie belly button, these nipples are inverted inwards. Sometimes you can pull them out, but other times they’re like scared turtles and are stuck in their shells. There’s nothing wrong with them, and if anything it makes you more memorable. Just watch your guy’s face light up with amazement as your little nips poke out for him to see. I’m not saying it’s magic but I’m also not not saying that.
Unilateral inverted
Think of these nipples as one big, winky emoji. One of the nips is an outie, the other is an innie. While I like to think these nipples are the fun-loving nipples of the group, it could mean something else. If you weren’t born like this, get it checked out ASAP. It could be a sign of something serious going on.
Bumpy
Most women have little bumps around their nipples. Some just have more bumps than others. If you’re lucky you can squeeze dead skin out of them, like pimples, (if you’re into that sort of thing) but it’s not advised. Bummer. These bumps are usually more pronounced when erect, which is, of course, the time you don’t want someone to see your bumps. Works out well.
Hairy
I don’t need to explain this one. On the plus side, it’s safe to pluck.
Supernumerary
Just like with superpowers or supersized fries, “Supernumerary” nipples means more. Extra. Something above the norm. Maybe it looks like a mole, or maybe it’s a full-on extra nipple. Either way, if you have an extra one just know that means you’re extra memorable. At least he won’t confuse you with other people, right?
And here I thought I just needed bigger boobs. Isn’t being a girl great?.
[via Cosmopolitan]
Image via Youtube
Illustrations by Connor Davis
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Rachel Varina
(yeahokaywhat) Aspiring to be the next Tina Fey, Rachel spends her free time doing nothing to reach that goal. While judging people based on how they use "they're" vs. "there" on social media, she likes eating buffalo chicken dip, watching other people's Netflix, and wearing sweatpants way more than is socially acceptable.
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