Thanks for posting this. I felt the same about the time I lost my virginity. I watched a movie with this cute, nice, and rather oblivious guy at a common area at hostel, which then (to my surprise, frankly) led to some kissing, and some clothes came off. It was really dark, I had fooled around like that before without sex, so I was in mental shock when I realized he was about to have sex with me, with zero communication. (It was so dark that to this day, I’m not even sure if he used a condom.)
It happened so fast, I could hardly process, but I made a choice in that moment that it was okay. I consented, by not saying no. If he had asked me, it would not have happened, but when it was happening anyway, I didn’t have the confidence to stop him.
It was unequivocally not rape, or even “rape-ish”. (A terrible term.) But it was an unwanted, physically painful, and confusing experience.
So, yes. Giving consent and wanting sex are two different things. I think it’s a cultural problem that goes both ways. Men need to ask, but women have to communicate assertively, too. We can’t have it both ways – be the submissive, silent female, and also get to play around sexually in exactly all the ways we want. Fundamentally, this issue is a lack of communication.
Lack of communication can’t be confused with rape. I fear such confusion can only make the legal waters much rougher for sexual assault victims.
Thanks for posting this. I felt the same about the time I lost my virginity. I watched a movie with this cute, nice, and rather oblivious guy at a common area at hostel, which then (to my surprise, frankly) led to some kissing, and some clothes came off. It was really dark, I had fooled around like that before without sex, so I was in mental shock when I realized he was about to have sex with me, with zero communication. (It was so dark that to this day, I’m not even sure if he used a condom.)
It happened so fast, I could hardly process, but I made a choice in that moment that it was okay. I consented, by not saying no. If he had asked me, it would not have happened, but when it was happening anyway, I didn’t have the confidence to stop him.
It was unequivocally not rape, or even “rape-ish”. (A terrible term.) But it was an unwanted, physically painful, and confusing experience.
So, yes. Giving consent and wanting sex are two different things. I think it’s a cultural problem that goes both ways. Men need to ask, but women have to communicate assertively, too. We can’t have it both ways – be the submissive, silent female, and also get to play around sexually in exactly all the ways we want. Fundamentally, this issue is a lack of communication.
Lack of communication can’t be confused with rape. I fear such confusion can only make the legal waters much rougher for sexual assault victims.