The focus of this article is troubling. Why do you find it so important to re-name the neglect of ownership of an individual’s decisions? To re-name the insecurity and perceived inability to communicate? Do you really believe the conversation should be about putting a new name on doing sexual things you don’t want to do, and calling that thing rape-ish (to use your horrific and offensive vocabulary)? Or do you think the conversation should be about empowering women – hell, empowering human beings – to take responsibility for their decisions? To speak out for their preferences and to feel good about doing so?
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been there. I’ve been sexually assaulted – coerced into committing acts I initially tried to physically and vocally refuse. This left me feeling broken and ashamed, and the onus for this situation is on the person who coerced me. There is no ish about it. I’ve also had consensual sex that I did not want. The other person and I flirted and kissed and then had sex. The next day I felt like shit about it, and wished I had said no. I allowed a situation that I did not feel right about to take place, and that onus was on me. There is no ish about it.
So, to validate the “I’m not alone!” posts… No, you’re not alone out there, Shitty Decision Maker – I can stand right alongside you. Us humans are ALL pretty good at making poor decisions now and then. Rest assured, we have our reasons for doing so. But why? It’s important to figure out YOUR reasons. Me? I’m a people-pleaser. And no, this has nothing to do with society’s portrayal of women or my upbringing – my sister is pleasantly much more selfish. I simply feel best when I’ve helped others to feel good. I now know this about myself, and no longer do this to my own detriment. I have begun creating boundaries to ensure my happiness stays intact. I take ownership for who I am as an adult woman.
The next time I was with a close guy friend, a few drinks in, wanting to get my makeout and cuddle on before passing out next to him in bed… guess what I did? Communicated that to him. And because I am not friends with assholes or imbeciles, I did not EXPECT him to shame me or call me names. I did expect that he may be let down because he would not get what he may like, but that’s his fuckin’ cross to bear.
That concerned me in this article… all the talk of how you THOUGHT things would play out. Your assumptions that you and Matt would have a tug-o-war over whether or not to have sex speaks volumes of your relationship with him. You EXPECT your so-called friend to give you shit about not wanting to fuck him? You wanna check your friendships; that’s a big issue that needs tending to. And not for one second does Matt come outta this NOT looking like a bad guy. But I’ll make a comment about that later.
The reason I originally chose to comment was because of your comment here in this thread… which totally goes against everything you have suggested in this article. For you to say you didn’t associate your situation to rape is offensive to my intelligence as a reader. Your article has ‘rape’ in the title. You absolutely use two opposing points – consensual sex and rape – to draw a middle line. To do this requires comparison to the concepts on either end, and finding compatibilities and differences to land you somewhere in the middle. If you weren’t comparing this to rape, why did you bring up rape? You flat-out called this “rape-ish,” but I am now supposed to accept your attempt to retract the comparisons to rape? I would like to think you believe you are speaking to other intelligent people out there, so please continue to speak with that in mind.
You further comment that you making the statement “I didn’t want to have sex, but I still did” automatically leads others to associate it with rape. Girl, you really gotta stop projecting your beliefs and expectations as others’ reality. You did it with Matt, and you’re doing it with me as a reader. I don’t think people going through with shit they do not want to go through with compares to rape. I think people doing things they don’t want to – without communication – compares to poor decision making.
@Yonce tried to clear this up by putting the responsibility on only one person in a relationship in advocating that the person advancing the situation needs to ask permission to advance…
Are you living in a vacuum? We need to wake up to our responsibilities and take ownership for the things we do, and don’t, participate in. Where a relationship between two human beings is concerned, there is EQUAL responsibility on both parties. Inaction is just as much of a choice as action. To use more loaded language: inaction is just as much consent as is action in this case.
Hot Piece, I believe you created just as much of a SAFE SPACE as Matt created. You and Matt were two able, willing adults who mutually arrived at the same point in time. Physical contact is either welcome or unwelcome, there is a yes or a no. You welcomed all physical advances prior to sex, without conversation. Of course, talking doesn’t mean cuddling is desired, cuddling doesn’t mean kissing is desired, and kissing sure as shit doesn’t mean sex is desired. But Matt got beyond talking, cuddling and then kissing… all without express consent. Which, from the way the article reads, you were okay with.
So, Hot Piece… you wanted a different dynamic then the one you were both leading toward, within the safe space you both created? That’s on you, girl. You want shit to change? Try to change it. It’s not a revolutionary concept. It won’t help you in any meaningful way to focus on how you didn’t ask for what you wanted and thus were wronged in the process. You need not acknowledge the existence of a situation that is nowhere near to rape as something “rape-ish” to stop subjecting yourself to it in the future. You need not victimize yourself with statements such as “I didn’t feel I’d been violated, though part of me knew I had.” Which, by the way, leaves Matt standing in some pretty fuckin’ negative light. If you felt positively about him, you were unsuccessful in your communication of that point.
I’m not trying to take away from how you felt like shit after making those decisions. But for you, me, and others to stop subjecting ourselves to situations like this in the future, I think we need to acknowledge the more meaningful undertone of this article: I made a decision regarding sex that is in opposition to how I wish to lead my life. Why did I do that? How can I face my fears and perceptions in order to live a more authentic, and still sexually-pleasing, life?
The focus of this article is troubling. Why do you find it so important to re-name the neglect of ownership of an individual’s decisions? To re-name the insecurity and perceived inability to communicate? Do you really believe the conversation should be about putting a new name on doing sexual things you don’t want to do, and calling that thing rape-ish (to use your horrific and offensive vocabulary)? Or do you think the conversation should be about empowering women – hell, empowering human beings – to take responsibility for their decisions? To speak out for their preferences and to feel good about doing so?
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been there. I’ve been sexually assaulted – coerced into committing acts I initially tried to physically and vocally refuse. This left me feeling broken and ashamed, and the onus for this situation is on the person who coerced me. There is no ish about it. I’ve also had consensual sex that I did not want. The other person and I flirted and kissed and then had sex. The next day I felt like shit about it, and wished I had said no. I allowed a situation that I did not feel right about to take place, and that onus was on me. There is no ish about it.
So, to validate the “I’m not alone!” posts… No, you’re not alone out there, Shitty Decision Maker – I can stand right alongside you. Us humans are ALL pretty good at making poor decisions now and then. Rest assured, we have our reasons for doing so. But why? It’s important to figure out YOUR reasons. Me? I’m a people-pleaser. And no, this has nothing to do with society’s portrayal of women or my upbringing – my sister is pleasantly much more selfish. I simply feel best when I’ve helped others to feel good. I now know this about myself, and no longer do this to my own detriment. I have begun creating boundaries to ensure my happiness stays intact. I take ownership for who I am as an adult woman.
The next time I was with a close guy friend, a few drinks in, wanting to get my makeout and cuddle on before passing out next to him in bed… guess what I did? Communicated that to him. And because I am not friends with assholes or imbeciles, I did not EXPECT him to shame me or call me names. I did expect that he may be let down because he would not get what he may like, but that’s his fuckin’ cross to bear.
That concerned me in this article… all the talk of how you THOUGHT things would play out. Your assumptions that you and Matt would have a tug-o-war over whether or not to have sex speaks volumes of your relationship with him. You EXPECT your so-called friend to give you shit about not wanting to fuck him? You wanna check your friendships; that’s a big issue that needs tending to. And not for one second does Matt come outta this NOT looking like a bad guy. But I’ll make a comment about that later.
The reason I originally chose to comment was because of your comment here in this thread… which totally goes against everything you have suggested in this article. For you to say you didn’t associate your situation to rape is offensive to my intelligence as a reader. Your article has ‘rape’ in the title. You absolutely use two opposing points – consensual sex and rape – to draw a middle line. To do this requires comparison to the concepts on either end, and finding compatibilities and differences to land you somewhere in the middle. If you weren’t comparing this to rape, why did you bring up rape? You flat-out called this “rape-ish,” but I am now supposed to accept your attempt to retract the comparisons to rape? I would like to think you believe you are speaking to other intelligent people out there, so please continue to speak with that in mind.
You further comment that you making the statement “I didn’t want to have sex, but I still did” automatically leads others to associate it with rape. Girl, you really gotta stop projecting your beliefs and expectations as others’ reality. You did it with Matt, and you’re doing it with me as a reader. I don’t think people going through with shit they do not want to go through with compares to rape. I think people doing things they don’t want to – without communication – compares to poor decision making.
@Yonce tried to clear this up by putting the responsibility on only one person in a relationship in advocating that the person advancing the situation needs to ask permission to advance…
Are you living in a vacuum? We need to wake up to our responsibilities and take ownership for the things we do, and don’t, participate in. Where a relationship between two human beings is concerned, there is EQUAL responsibility on both parties. Inaction is just as much of a choice as action. To use more loaded language: inaction is just as much consent as is action in this case.
Hot Piece, I believe you created just as much of a SAFE SPACE as Matt created. You and Matt were two able, willing adults who mutually arrived at the same point in time. Physical contact is either welcome or unwelcome, there is a yes or a no. You welcomed all physical advances prior to sex, without conversation. Of course, talking doesn’t mean cuddling is desired, cuddling doesn’t mean kissing is desired, and kissing sure as shit doesn’t mean sex is desired. But Matt got beyond talking, cuddling and then kissing… all without express consent. Which, from the way the article reads, you were okay with.
So, Hot Piece… you wanted a different dynamic then the one you were both leading toward, within the safe space you both created? That’s on you, girl. You want shit to change? Try to change it. It’s not a revolutionary concept. It won’t help you in any meaningful way to focus on how you didn’t ask for what you wanted and thus were wronged in the process. You need not acknowledge the existence of a situation that is nowhere near to rape as something “rape-ish” to stop subjecting yourself to it in the future. You need not victimize yourself with statements such as “I didn’t feel I’d been violated, though part of me knew I had.” Which, by the way, leaves Matt standing in some pretty fuckin’ negative light. If you felt positively about him, you were unsuccessful in your communication of that point.
I’m not trying to take away from how you felt like shit after making those decisions. But for you, me, and others to stop subjecting ourselves to situations like this in the future, I think we need to acknowledge the more meaningful undertone of this article: I made a decision regarding sex that is in opposition to how I wish to lead my life. Why did I do that? How can I face my fears and perceptions in order to live a more authentic, and still sexually-pleasing, life?